Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Challenges argue Kanye West filed petitions late, should be barred from Wisconsin Presidential ballot
… at the very least, Taylor Swift should show up and say Beyoncé would be way better choice.
Quebec can now host music festivals with an audience capacity of 250 people
So, a normal Nickleback concert.
KW Miller a Republican candidate for Congress said on Twitter Trump looks manly in a mask
Dude, it’s Twitter not Grindr.
NBA reportedly spent $150 million for setup inside Orlando bubble
In fact, the bubble is so strict it’s kept players safe from both the coronavirus and the Kardashian women.
Biden goes bike riding in Delaware
So, Biden rode a bike and unlike the last thing Trump rode didn’t have to pay it 130,000 dollars to deny it.
The ‘Jurassic Park’ franchise got many dinosaurs wrong
… well, if you trust Larry King’s memory…
Happy 94th birthday, Tony Bennett
2020, keep your hands off him.
Trump on accused sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell: “I wish her well”
Well, I guess when it comes to child sex trafficking there are good people on both sides.
Google will reportedly extend its coronavirus work-from-home order to summer 2021
It’s true. I Googled it.
The US-Canada border is expected to remain closed to non-essential travel until at least August 21st
Damn, Canadians will do anything to stop the return of Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz.
Britney Spears says she got “carried away” after debuting head-to-toe henna tattoos
Oooops, I did it again… and again…. and again… and again…
Trump mispronounces Yosemite as “Yo-Semites” and Thailand as “Thighland” at White House events
If Trump can’t pronounce Thailand and Yosemite, let’s hope he never has to read a statement about the country Niger.
Why Jay Cutler really deleted Instagram after Kristin Cavallari reunited with Stephen Colletti
Uh, because unlike Cutler, Colletti knows how to complete a pass…
New York State AG Letitia James charges the NRA with corruption
… they have my “thoughts and prayers…”