[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump: ‘Black Holidays Matter’

Trump has declared that he’s undergone a review of Black holidays, and there are not enough, so he is establishing a new one.

President Trump has been arguing that he has done more for African Americans than any president except possibly Abraham Lincoln who, it turns out, was also a Republican. Who Knew?

Black Friday, black holidays
White people are anxious to celebrate Black Friday.

But his efforts to reach Black American voters does not appear to be working. Current polls show that the vast majority of African Americans are supporting his Democratic rival, former Vice President Joe Biden.

So today, in an effort to improve his standing with these voters, Trump declared that he had undergone a review of Black holidays and that he had found the number of such observances to be inadequate.

“There just aren’t enough celebrations devoted to our African American citizens” he said. “Sure, there is Martin Luther King Day in January and Black History Month, which takes place in the first two weeks of February. Then there is Juneteenth day in June which I believe was established to honor Black teens. And, of course, there is Kwanzaa in December. I don’t actually know what that is, however, I’ve been told by a lot of people that I have made it great again. But there should be more African American observances.”

The president then stunned reporters when he announced that he would be signing an executive order creating a new holiday to specifically recognize the achievements of all Black Americans except Barack Obama. Trump went on to say, “ By the authority vested in me as president by the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta, it is hereby ordered that the first Friday after Thanksgiving will now be known as Black Friday and will be a day devoted to commemorating the significant contributions that African Americans have made to our history and culture.”

Trump then went off script and declared, “I have personally noticed the great accomplishments of various Black Americans such as: Supreme Court Justices Hugo Black and Harry Blackmun, the actors Jack Black and Shirley Temple Black, General Black Jack Pershing, the commander of the brave American soldiers that stormed the beaches of Normandy during WWI and, of course, Sirius Black who was very misunderstood. That I can tell you.”

Later, the Commander-in Chief announced that he would be signing another executive order that would require all retail stores to open early on Black Friday so that everyone can get an early start on their Christmas and Kwanzaa shopping.

“Lincoln would have wanted it that way” the president said.

JC Wade
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