Trump-Man Has Superpowers of His Own

Of course he’s no Superman. He is Trump-Man, and possesses superpowers of his own.

Warning: Do not read “Trump-Man” if you are allergic to articles that make fun of Donald Trump. Do not read to children less than 6. This article should not be given to children 6 to less than 18 as it may harm them.

The New York Times reported that President Trump had considered acting ill when leaving Walter Reed Hospital. He then planned to pull open his dress shirt to reveal a Superman t-shirt that he was going to wear underneath (that’s true). The story was later confirmed by Jimmy Olsen, an investigative reporter with the failing Daily Planet newspaper.

Trump’s Republican supporters quickly claimed that the story proved their long-held belief that the commander-in-chief was Superman or a reincarnated version of the Man of Steel. Democrats pounced on that assertion stating that, if it’s true, then Trump is an illegal immigrant ineligible to run for president as Superman was born on the planet Krypton.

Other supporters of the president were more skeptical, believing that, although he could BUILD tall buildings, given his girth, they doubted that Trump could LEAP tall buildings in a single bound. They also noted that his original name on Krypton was Kal-El which sounds Muslim.

Some then theorized that, since Bruce Wayne was a wealthy American playboy, it made more sense to assume that Trump was, in fact, Batman and that he would POW, BOOM, KAPOW Joe Biden in the next debate. However, it was later pointed out that the president couldn’t be the Caped Crusader as Batman always wears a mask, something Trump refuses to do.

And finally, some theorized that our leader was really The Hulk since they both periodically exhibit savage, brutish behavior and get more dangerous the madder they get. But, in the end, this theory didn’t hold water as The Hulk is green while Trump is orange.

It’s silly to think that our president is one of these superheroes. He is his own man. He is Trump-Man and he possesses many superpowers of his own. No, he isn’t faster than a speeding bullet, or more powerful than a locomotive and he doesn’t have x-ray vision (he wishes). But what he does have is a particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. These skills and powers include:

Mind Blasts: the ability to send psychic or paranormal energy or, in his case, tweets that can cause mass confusion or hysteria. This is a power that he has mastered.
Insanity Manipulation (self): the capacity to use one’s own insanity as an asset. This is an extremely powerful skill that the president has. The crazier he acts, the more his base adores him.
Time Manipulation: the ability to affect the flow of time by slowing, accelerating, stopping, or reversing it. Trump has used this power to make the last 4 years seem like an eternity.
Enhanced Concealment: With this power the user can hide himself or his things behind the nearest object before being seen. In Trump’s case he has been able to hide his tax returns, academic records etc. before the fake press can see them.
Matter Ingestion: This is the ability to consume all sorts of matter, including cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes without negative effects.
Truth Manipulation: With this skill the user can turn a lie into the truth and the truth into a lie. Trump shares this ability with Fox News and Breitbart.
Illusion Creation: Which is the capacity to alter peoples’ perceptions, so they believe something that is not real like that masks don’t offer much protection from the coronavirus or that we have turned the corner on the pandemic and,
Madness Creation: One who possesses this power can affect the sanity of others. This was on full display during the presidential debate when the president drove the moderator, Chris Wallace, completely bonkers.

So, without a doubt, Trump-Man has many superpowers. The only question is whether Americans think he is a Superhero or Supervillain. I guess we will find out on November 3 or November 4 or November 5 or God knows when.

Stay safe. As Yogi Berra would have said, this pandemic isn’t over until it’s over.

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JC Wade

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).