[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Tactics for Maintaining Power Uncovered

Trump tactics insure he’ll remain president, one way or another — he thinks.

A document has been slipped to this reporter from an anonymous source, signed only as “a supporter of the democratic process.” It is a detailed plan of a number of “Trump tactics” the president thinks can keep him in office for another four years.

Mike Pence
Vice President Mike Pence. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Plan A involves Vice President Pence’s counting of the votes of the Electoral College. False duplicate ballots have been created with electors in key states’ votes changed to votes for Trump. To not arouse suspicion, only the votes of electors in states that do not mandate how the electors have to vote will be used. The false ballots will be placed in a space with a hidden door in the podium.

They are still trying to decide on what they will do to create a distraction so the switch can be made. Susan Collins’ offer to walk across the front of the Senate in a tight sweater and micro mini skirt was immediately turned down. Jim Jordan offered to get into a fist fight with one of the Democrats, as long as it was a woman. Giuliani offered to run into the chamber in a clown suit, but nobody thought that that would be particularly surprising.

If this does not work, Trump plans to issue a blanket pardon to all Proud Boy members and have them surround the White House as he barricades himself inside. He then will order the army to run tanks up and down the Washington DC streets that are to be used for the inauguration event to make them impassable for vehicles. One week before the inauguration, he will issue a Proclamation of a formal succession for him and his followers from the “fake” nation to the True America and declare Mar-a-Lago the “Gold House” where he will reside as President.

All members of the new nation will pledge allegiance to him for this new virtual nation via Twitter. All commerce will only occur between Trump’s Twitter followers, all monetary transactions for all his citizens handled only by Deutsche Bank, and all foreign commerce only with Russia. The Proud Boys and The Aryan Nation will form the armed services for the new nation.

Fox News will be the official voice of the President with Sean Hannity as Press Secretary. Roger Stone will be appointed Attorney General, because of his great expertise in handling witnesses. Stephan Miller will be appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services, because of his commitment to the welfare of families and children. Flynn will be appointed Secretary of State, because of his experience wheeling and dealing with foreign governments. Pence may be Vice President for only a short time, as there is a rumor that Ivanka is planning to ask her daddy to be made Vice President as her next birthday gift.

His Declaration of Independence frees all members of True America from paying income taxes to the IRS, since it is part of the Fake America, and instead will have them pay a flat tax of forty percent of their income directly to Trump. The document ends with a declaration that his nation will have the best medical care on the continent “and much more great stuff.”

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