Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews fellow conspiracists Louis Gohmert and Jim Jordan.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the conspiracists, crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louis Gohmert and the crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.
LOUIS GOHMERT
I will lie for Trump.
JIM JORDAN
I will die for Trump.
LOUIS GOHMERT
Then can I have your wrestling trophies, Jordan?
JORDAN
Sure. I’ll even throw in my old smelly mat.
JERRY
When I’m done with this interview, you clowns will be drowning in your own sweat.
JERRY
Let’s get right to it. You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. You are actively trying to change the results of the election in favor of Trump.
GOHMERT
It’s a conspiracy. Las Vegas odds gave Trump the win. I go by the facts.
JORDAN
That’s the evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider. Here’s another fact you don’t know. Viagra is a recreational drug. I am against Medicare and Medicaid paying for it.
JERRY
Don’t change the subject.
GOHMERT
Hey. I use Viagra. The wife and I play horse around the house after I take the pill.
JORDAN
I may have a change of heart. Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.
JERRY
Congressman Jordan. What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?
JORDAN
No clue.
JERRY
Change.
JERRY
Gohmert. I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas. Why are there so many unsolved murders?
GOHMERT
I don’t know.
JERRY
Well I do. There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.
JORDAN
I heard that on Hannity, so it must be true.
JERRY
Chimp Jordan. 126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorneys General signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in the swing states in favor of Donald Trump. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud. The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge.
JORDAN
That’s not what we’re complaining about, Duncan. Joe Biden was born in a blue state. That’s illegal and disqualifies him for president.
(sound of chimpanzee) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.
JERRY
You’re a conspiracy wing nut, Chimp. Joe Biden is the new president.
GOHMERT
With Biden in charge, I will no longer be able to wave my QAnon flag with pride.
JERRY
Pride? The Trumpster is undermining our democracy. He’s ruled by fear and anger over the rule of law.
GOHMERT
Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There’s microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.
JERRY
If you say so, Gomer Pyle.
JORDAN
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
JERRY
I dunno.
JORDAN
Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.
GOHMERT
That’s another fact, Duncan.
JORDAN
And Gohmert knows. He’s one of the most racist guys in Congress.
GOHMERT
Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.
JERRY
I say to that remark. Make pee,pee, not teepee.
JERRY
Folks. The difference between Democrats and Republicans? Democrats remind us that life is unfair, and Republicans make sure it is. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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