Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
TED CRUZ
Morning is wonderful. The only drawback is that it comes at an inconvenient time of the day.
JERRY
Cruzster. Is it true you ate Hannibal Lecter’s son?
CRUZ
Absolutely, Duncan. Eating organic really has its perks.
JERRY
No wonder my mother told me to stay away from strangers when I was a kid.
CRUZ
Look. My good friend Senator Lindsey Graham said that if he killed me on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict him. Your comment doesn’t bother me. I’m focused on starting a Civil War in the Republican Party.
JERRY
On January 6th, you tried a coup attempt in objecting to the certification of the Electoral College votes to make Joe Biden president. You and your anarchist Republican colleagues failed like everything else during the past four years.
CRUZ
I didn’t fail. The system did. Voting fraud.
JERRY
You couldn’t find evidence. The election was free and fair. And I might add the Supreme Court turned down two challenges by the Trumpster. Even Attorney General Barr said there was no widespread election fraud.
CRUZ
Fake news.
JERRY
Cruz. You’re so ugly that when you tried to enter the ugly contest, they said your wife should be the judge. Put that mask back on your face, I just finished breakfast.
CRUZ
Boo!
JERRY
In 2015, Trump accused you of using a picture of Melania from a GQ shoot in your presidential campaign ad. He even compared an unflattering side by side photo of your wife Heidi to Melania with the caption “No Need to spill the beans. The images are worth a thousand words.”
CRUZ
Looking back, Trump was right. I’m the one that has to wake up next to her every morning.
JERRY
How about when Trump said your father was with Lee Harvey Oswald the day of the Kennedy assassination? And I quote, “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being…you know, shot. That was reported and nobody talks about it.”
CRUZ
Where was that reported?
JERRY
The National Enquirer.
CRUZ
Then it’s true. Look, my old man came to the United States in 1957 from Castro’s Cuba with a $100 hidden in his underwear. He happened to be in Texas.
JERRY
That stinks.
CRUZ
You mean fleeing Cuba?
JERRY
No. The $100 in his underwear.
CRUZ
Are you serious, Duncan?!
JERRY
Not really, but I’ll start. Why did you shut down the government in 2013? Hell, it was your first year in the Senate. We lost billions of dollars.
CRUZ
Obamacare. Then and now. We will abolish it. Not everyone should be entitled to good health. Only Republicans.
JERRY
Cruzster. I have an urgent mission for you. You gotta go back to 1945. Find Trump’s father and give him a condom. It’s not too late to save the country.
CRUZ
I’d like to say a few words to all your listeners.
JERRY
Go ahead, ‘Lyin’ Ted’.
CRUZ
There is no such thing as the coronavirus. It’s the flu. There is no climate change. The seals ate all the ice, so polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota. There is no such thing as bad world leaders. Putin and Kim are our friends. In fact, Donald Trump is setting up his presidential library in Moscow. The election was rigged. We found illegal votes from Martians and E.T. Finally, there is no such thing as the Republican Party. We are ReTrumplicans.
JERRY
The last time I heard someone accuse someone else of cheating was in the 2016 Iowa Republican Caucus. And that victim was you, Cruzster. Trump said in a Tweet, “Ted Cruz didn’t win Iowa, he stole it.” In another Tweet he said, “Based on the fraud committed by Senator Cruz during the Iowa Caucus, either a new election should take place or Cruz results nullified.”
CRUZ
(embarrassed) Hamina, Hamina, Hamina, Hamina.
JERRY
It’s always fun listening to someone’s lies when you already know the truth. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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