Ripping the Headlines: Peloton Bike & more!

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Can Biden bring his Peloton Bike to the White House?

And, if he can’t, what will he use to hang his clothes on?

Schumer told senators they’ll have to decide if “Donald John Trump incited the erection, uh, insurrection…”

Somewhere Stormy Daniels was saying, “either way, shouldn’t take long.”

Salma Hayek, 54, meditates in tiny black bikini: ‘We need to keep our cool’

Her gardener: “Easy for you to say!”

Russia sends Navalny back to jail the day after he returns from German hospital after poisoning

… although he should be safe for now, he’s on a low floor…

Less than 24 hours before Biden is sworn in, Sidney Powell voluntarily drops her lawsuit to overturn results in Georgia

Biden has now won more often in Georgia than anyone not named Nick Saban.

Tom Brokaw retiring from NBC News after 55 years with the network

I thought he was retired, and no one had the onions to tell him.

Happy 99th birthday, Betty White

Look for her in Ft. Lauderdale filming ‘Golden Girls Gone Wild!’

Rex Tillerson: “We’re in a worse place today than we were before Trump came in”

Making him the Secretary of Stating the Obvious.

RIP, Larry King

MCMXXXII – 2021.

Atlanta-area teen stole nearly $1M from grocery store

… I guess he didn’t want to stand in the 10 items or less line at Whole Foods …

Lil Wayne granted clemency

While there’s still no excuse for Vanilla Ice.

Fauci announces rejoining the WHO

No confirmation yet from Pete Townsend or Roger Daltry ….

Pablo Escobar’s hippos have invaded Colombia’s waterways and need to be culled, study says

What a show off. Most cocaine kingpins are happy with just having drug mules.

UK strain of coronavirus may be more deadly and contagious

… Sen. Susan Collins says she is very disappointed in the coronavirus and that she thought it had learned its lesson …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)