Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Archaeologists uncover ancient street food shop in Pompeii

… no word if it was the first Little Caesar’s.

‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ debuted 54 years ago

If it came out today, it would be called ‘CSI: Whoville.’

Will Trump return to White House before Biden Inauguration, or, just stay at Mar A Lago?

Let’s face it, it’s looking like Mar A Lago is Spanish for “The Fat Lady’s Singing.”

Report: James Harden threw basketball at teammate as tensions rise in Houston

I’m shocked, shocked Harden threw a ball to a teammate …

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he “never” thought daughter Katherine would marry an actor like Chris Pratt

… although he did end his wedding toast with “Hasta la vista, to my baby!”

Dr. Ben Carson wants to start a think tank post Trump Presidency

Well, after his last 4 years at HUD, he sure is well rested.

Miley Cyrus asked Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello to have a ‘three way’

Or, as it’s also known in the music biz “A Nicki Minaj A Troi.”

Church of Scientology received at least $4 million in PPP loans

Big deal, that barely covers couches Tom Cruise jumped on and broke.

Dr Fauci turned 80 years old

Although, 70 of those years took place between 2018 – 2020!

Paul McCartney ranks Ringo Starr among top three rock drummers

… somewhere Pete Best just went “ouch” and didn’t know why.

GOP Sen. Ben Sasse says Trump pardons are “rotten to the core”

Ben Sasse is the Jeff Flake of Susan Collinses.

How long does a weed high last?

I forget…

Kirk Cameron hosts another maskless Christmas caroling event to protest California’s stay-at-home order

Cameron’s gone from ‘Growing Pains’ to being a growing pain.

A Russian officer is duped into telling Alexey Navalny how he was poisoned — through his underpants

The giveaway was when the officer was caught bragging: “I’ve seen London, I’ve seen France, I put poison in Navalny’s underpants!”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)