In a shocking revelation, the FBI confirms that Matt Gaetz really is “Big Boy” Shoney!
“It’s him all right,” confirmed one agent, “minus the trademark red and white checkerboard overalls. And let me tell you, he still makes one helluva badass burger!”
“Big Boy” Shoney was the illegitimate love-child of cartoon-hero Speed Racer and Saturday morning cartoon-diva Strawberry Shortcake. He endured a lonely and forlorn childhood, but found comfort in his own precocious burger-making abilities. By the age of 4 he was operating his own chain of highly-successful restaurants, and by the age of 7 he was a self-made millionaire.
His meteoric rise devolved into a downward spiral of epic proportions in the late seventies, however. He became addicted to monosodium glutamate, and his ill-fated launch of an exclusive “Big Boy” designer clothing line left him in financial ruins. Then, after providing grand jury testimony linking the Hamburglar to several illegal onion rings, “Big Boy” Shoney entered the Witless Protection Program and disappeared.
It was 2016 when “Big Boy” Shoney re-emerged, running for public office under the alias Matt Gaetz. His unique burger-making abilities, as well as his Conway Twitty-like good looks and big hair won over voters, ensuring a convincing Congressional victory.
But things began to unravel for him once again in 2017, when the FBI intercepted a cryptic e-mail from Gaetz offering “all-you-can-eat breakfast delights” in exchange for “creepy sex favors” to several 17 year-old West Virginia coal-miner’s daughters. Since then Gaetz has been under investigation by the FBI and the Girl Scouts of America, but denies any wrong-doing.
“It’s nothing but a liberal fake-news witch-hunt hoax!” he claimed earlier this week, “I don’t even know where the e-mall is!”