Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
From the vaccine rollout to Bernie Madoff, the news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Over two-thirds of Americans now satisfied with COVID vaccine rollout: poll
I do have one complaint. Just got my first shot, and still waiting for a welcome message from Bill Gates.
Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez have officially called it quits
They’ve decided to spend more time with the one they love… themselves.
Women detail drug use, sex and payments after late-night parties with Gaetz and others
Or, as Hunter Biden calls it … a slow Tuesday.
A Minneapolis cop apparently didn’t know the difference between a gun and a taser
Matthew McConaughey may be a viable candidate for Texas
When asked how he thought he do he said: “Alright! Alright! Alright!”
Accidental discharge isn’t an excuse for a cop killing a man
But, might work as an excuse for how we got Eric Trump.
Tiger Woods Update: SUV crash was caused by speed and an inability to negotiate a curve, Los Angeles County sheriff says
From now on, Tiger’s going to need a caddy for his Caddy.
RIP Bernie Madoff
In lieu of flowers, his family asks you give them money; and they’ll give that money to some other people who will give that money to …
Hayley Hasselhoff makes history with curvy ‘Playboy’ cover: “Your body does not define you”
I’m assuming that’s in the accompanying article no one’s going to read.
Cindy McCain set to land Biden ambassadorship to Rome based UN Group
… While Caitlyn Jenner’s is still holding out for Transylvania.
Dakota Johnson says we shouldn’t call vibrators sex toys
Welp, there goes anyone’s plans to start a chain called ‘Sex Toys R Us.’
The United States should prepare for a sixth year of above-average number of Atlantic hurricanes, Colorado State University
Also, Colorado State University: “We’re in Colorado … Neener… Neener.”
Recording reveals Trump called Georgia investigator leading signature match audit
It’s like every conversation with Trump begins with “Is this thing on?”
Oklahoma stuck with over a million hydroxychloroquine doses
… yeah, but, it’s still a great spelling bee word …
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/30/23 - May 30, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/22/23 - May 22, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/15/23 - May 15, 2023