The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner

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Wherein our intrepid radio talk show host interviews former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner.

Speaker of the House John BoehnerJERRY

Good morning, Speaker Boner.

JOHN BOEHNER

It’s pronounced Boehner with an ‘A’ sound. Damn it! My mother told me not to talk to strangers.

JERRY

I’m not a stranger John. I’m your friend.

BOEHNER

Really?

JERRY

No. You don’t have any friends. Remember? That’s why you were replaced as Speaker. Bahahahaaha.

BOEHNER

Who cares? I’m here to talk about my new book On The House: A Washington Memoir. Lots of dirt on my fellow Republicans.

JERRY

Did you write it while you were sober? Senator Ted Cruz called you a drunk.

BOEHNER

Cruz is a reckless a-hole. When the going gets tough, Cruz gets going…to the warmth and safety of the Cancun Ritz Carlton. He’s the mayor of Crazy Town.

JERRY

Are you ever sober?

BOEHNER

Depends what time of the day, Barry.

JERRY

It’s Jerry with a J.

BOEHNER

Big deal, I was close. Right now, I’m enjoying a smoke and glass of red wine.

JERRY

Is the wine Merlot?

BOEHNER

Hell, no. I stole a bottle from some bum while he was sleeping in the park.

JERRY

Tell me about the book.

BOEHNER

I write that the Republican Party is held hostage to Donald Trump and a conservative media chamber. It’s based on “chaos” for its own financial needs.

JERRY

Wow. What ever happened to the party of Ronald Reagan?

BOEHNER

That ship sailed and sunk. There were no survivors. Reagan and I would never be elected with loons like Congressman Jim Jordan in charge of the GOP.

JERRY

You were the 53rd Speaker of the House having served from 2011 to 2015. Prior to that you were in Congress for 21 years. You must miss it.

BOEHNER

Not really. I never could please anyone. I fought the Democrats against Obamacare and lost. I tried to unite the Republican Party and that was a flop. It’s all in the book, Larry.

JERRUY

It’s Jerry. J-E-R-R-Y.

BOEHNER

Whatever. Hey, I did do something heroic.

JERRY

Confessed to a priest about your drinking?

BOEHNER

Hold on there, Terry.

BOEHNER

My drinking buddy, the late Senator Ted Kennedy and I co-sponsored the No Child Left Behind Act in 2001. I saved kids from being stupid. And here’s the kicker, the Trump kids were the only ones in America who fell through the cracks.

JERRY

I’ll drink to that.

BOEHNER

(slurs speech)

Cheeeeers.

JERRY

Speaking of drinking. I understand Ben Carson, the former Secretary of HUD is your designated driver.

BOEHNER

Old news. The son of a bitch fell asleep at the wheel the other night. We ended up in a ditch.

JERRY

He’s a brain surgeon.

BOEHNER

So is the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Listen, my fingers are twitching. I need a cigarette.

JERRY

Of course. Drink, smoke and be merry.

BOEHNER

Thank you, Merry. I mean Kerry.

JERRY

Forget it, you’re hopeless. Anything you want to tell my audience before we go?

BOEHNER

One thing about me. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

Watch A Bit of Biden on Instagram every Monday, Wednesday and Friday @abitofbiden

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

 

 

Dean Kaner
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