The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Democratic Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer.

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, DonkeyHotey
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER

Good morning, Jerry. Call me Brookie Bear.

JERRY

Brookie Bear?

SCHUMER

I’m from Brooklyn.

JERRY

You’re an idiot, Brookie.

SCHUMER

Okay. Call me anything you want.

JERRY

FYI. Your pothead cousin Amy Schumer should write your jokes.

SCHUMER

You’re right. I want to apologize to all the comedians in the United States.

JERRY

Why? You’re a comedian. Like the rest of the nutjobs elected to Congress.

JERRY

Time to get down to business. The Senate rejected a bipartisan bill to form a commission to investigate the January 6 insurrection of our Capitol.

SCHUMER

Once again, the Republicans are scared of the truth. That Donald Trump was responsible for a coup attempt on our democracy. All because he lost the election.

JERRY

Now what?

SCHUMER

Well. The Feds are going to put him in jail for tax evasion. That’s what happened to gangster Al Capone.

JERRY

Elaborate for our listeners. They’re not too bright.

SCHUMER

Trump inflated his wealth when he applied for loans. Then devalued his properties when he filed his income taxes. He cheated.

JERRY

Trump said he was a very stable genius.

SCHUMER

Mr. Ed was a stable genius. Donald Trump is a moron.

SCHUMER

Can I ask you a question?

JERRY

Sure, Brookie.

SCHUMER

How come you don’t televise your show at the same time? I like watching myself.

JERRY

I read where former Senator Bob Dole said, “The most dangerous place in Washington is between Charles Schumer and a television camera.”

SCHUMER

First, let’s consider the source. Dole earned his reputation as a hatchet man. He makes Ted Cruz look like Mother Teresa. Second, Dole defended Nixon during Watergate. Third, he was the butt of many jokes on Saturday Night Live. Fourth…

Jerry is fake snoring.

JERRY

(pretends to wake up)

Oh. Are we back?

SCHUMER

This is a stunt Mitch McConnell would pull. You’re childish.

JERRY

You got a perfect score on your SAT. Graduated from Harvard Law School, but never practiced law. Why?

SCHUMER

I wanted to be famous. To be a consensus builder. That’s why I was elected to the House in 1981. Then the Senate in 1998.

JERRY

What’s your biggest accomplishment?

SCHUMER

I fought for Immigratioin Reform before it was popular. Do you know I was in the Gang of Eight?

JERRY

Big deal. So was Snoop Dogg.

SCHUMER

You really are ignorant. Did your mother ever breast feed you?

JERRY

I was adopted. All I heard is that my real ma was from the Ozarks. Didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground.

SCHUMER

I rest my case. As you know, Congress will be gone for most of the summer.

JERRY

You guys hardly work.

SCHUMER

We do. 175 days of the year.

JERRY

I rest my case.

SCHUMER

Jerry. This summer is different. I’m going on a fishing expedition with House Speaker Pelosi.

JERRY

For loan sharks?

SCHUMER

It’s a working vacation. We’re going to catch big fish—Eric, Don Jr, Ivanka, Jared and the biggest of them all, the Orange Trumpster.

JERRY

What about Rudy Giuliani?

SCHUMER

Rudy is hard to find, because he’s a bottom dweller.

JERRY

Hey, Chuckles. Do you know what Rudy last said to Trump when he couldn’t hear him?

SCHUMER

No.

JERRY

Pardon me?

SCHUMER

I should have gone on Ellen.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

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The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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