[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President Biden Dispatches Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone to Afghanistan

Biden sent Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone to Afghanistan to finish the evacuation, saying they alone can get the job done.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone
“No problem, we were born ready,” say Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone.

Totally dissatisfied with efforts by the Pentagon to evacuate all of the 11,000 American citizens trapped in Afghanistan, President Biden has dispatched movie action/adventure film stars Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone to the region to get the job done.

In a news briefing the President stated, “These heroes got American GIs out of Vietnam when nobody else could. I have full faith that they can get Americans out of Afghanistan.”

There are rumors that the president also contacted Marvel Studios about sending in their cadre of heroes, but did not hear back from them.

SNN Still Under Attack by Taliban

Since the Taliban takeover of Washington, SNN has been under constant attack by Taliban fighters.

We have had to abandon our plush headquarters and are now operating out of the sub sub basement of the outhouse behind The Slobovian Embassy. We have attempted to bribe the Taliban fighters with cash, liquor, dope, whores, banana splits and Netflix… but…

Ted Holland