[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Report: ‘Intestinal Poison Ivy’ Epidemic Caused by Veggie Burgers

The Slobovian Journal of Medicine has issued a report alleging an epidemic of “Intestinal Poison Ivy” caused by eating plant-based burgers.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The recently published issue of the highly-regarded Slobovian Journal of Medicine reports that Slobovia has been overrun with an epidemic of “Intestinal Poison Ivy.” The cause is reported to be a shipment of plant-based burgers imported from the United States.

poison ivyDr. Anna Phylaxis, chief medical officer of the University of Stanke Medicine Center and Circusse, reports that doctors and hospitals have treated over 23,700 cases of the affliction.

She describes the disease as beginning with simple vomiting and itchy diarrhea, followed by a horrific internal itching that makes one want to scratch their guts out.

According to Ygor Pussifootski, head of the Slobovian Department of Vagueness and Anti-Transparency, the product was imported from the U.S. because making meat products from plants is illegal in Slobovia, in that it violates Slobovian “Anti-BullSchitte” codes.

The burgers in question were manufactured by H.M. Chitlin & Sons of HotDamn in Arkansas, and are made from green vegetables such as collards, turnips, mustard greens, Polk salad, kale, cabbage and Woohoo. Company spokeswoman Lil Chitlin admits that it is possible that poison ivy could have been mistakenly harvested with the other greens.

According to Dr. Anna Phylaxis, the malady lasts about eight days. The only cure appears to be for the patient to consume about two boxes of baking soda a day and drink Calamine lotion smoothies.

Ted Holland