Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his fiancee actress Schlemiel Woodley.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it s a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his fiancee actress Schlemiel Woodley.
SHAILENE WOODLEY
My name is Shailene.
JERRY
It’s my show. You’re a Schlemiel. Okay?
WOODLEY
No problemo, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Hi Aaron. Where’s your mask?
AARON RODGERS
This is a podcast. No need for a mask. I’m in Green Bay freezing my nuts off.
JERRY
I’m glad you brought that up. How many testicles does an oak tree have?
RODGERS
I don’t know.
JERRY
Tree.
WOODLEY
I don’t get it.
JERRY
Schlemiel. You have two parts of the brain, left and right. In the left side, there’s nothing right. In the right side, there’s nothing left.
WOODLEY
Thank you. Now I know why I’m engaged to Aaron Rodgers.
RODGERS
(blows a kiss) Love ya, babe.
JERRY
Let’s talk about Covid. You lied about getting the vaccine.
RODGERS
No, I didn’t. I took a cocktail of meds including Ivermectin.
JERRY
Those are horse pills.
RODGERS
I know. Maybe I have Covid, but I’ll be racing in the Kentucky Derby.
RODGERS
“Neigh, neigh.” Sorry, I’ve been saying it all week.
JERRY
You need to see a veterinarian.
WOODLEY
Does Mr. Ed still have his practice? I want the best for Aaron.
RODGERS
I love you, babe.
JERRY
Schlemiel. You have an impressive career. You’ve been in films like The Fault in Our Stars, The Descendants, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. So why Aaron Rodgers?
WOODLEY
Because he’s smart. Aaron knows the vaccine will make him infertile. We want kids.
JERRY
That’s junk science. Your man violated the NFL Covid-19 protocols. He was fined and so was the team.
WOODLEY
Who cares? Look at him. That long scraggly hair, unshaven face. He reminds me of Charles Manson.
RODGERS
(shouts) They say everyone has a twin. Right on! Here’s a scoop. I bet you didn’t know Shailene went to the bank to get her quarter back.
WOODLEY
(screams) Aaaah! Aaaah!
JERRY
What’s wrong?
RODGERS
Are you alright? Are you acting out a scene?
WOODLEY
I just got my Covid test results. I’m positive! I infected everyone in Hollywood. My career is over.
JERRY
Well, you weren’t that good anyway. Just sayin.
WOODLEY
We’re done Rodgers! You deserve some ass hat like Jeanine Pirro.
RODGERS
That’s a thought. No, no, Shailene. How can I go on living?
WOODLEY
Drop dead!
RODGERS
I want the engagement ring back.
WOODLEY
F U!
JERRY
Don’t worry, Schlemiel. This too will pass, but it may pass like a kidney stone.
WOODLEY
Thank you for those words of comfort.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
A Bit of Biden
(c) Dean B. Kaner
A Bit of Biden
JOE BIDEN
Do you know what is a cannibal’s favorite restaurant? Five Guys. I’m serious, folks.
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