Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Big Bird, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ted Cruz says call by Big Bird for kids to get vaxxed is ‘propaganda’

C’mon, the only ‘Big Bird’ that Ted Cruz cares about is the one with a First-Class Section that flies to Cancun outta DFW.

Aaron Rodgers cleared to play on Sunday

Although, after the Ivermectin, it’s probably only with the Broncos or Colts.

ABBA releases ‘Voyage,’ the group’s first album in 40 years

No word if the album was originally going to be called “Grandmama Mia!”

Chelsea Clinton ran the New York City Marathon under an alias

The bigger question is which one of Lori Laughlin‘s kids’ names did she use?

Fox News turned 25

No wonder Trump keeps looking to ditch it for a younger, hotter fake news network …

Ahmaud Arbery jury has 11 white people on jury of 12

That one African-American juror is going to feel like Darius Rucker at the Country Music Awards.

Federal grand jury indicts Steve Bannon

Bannon looks less like a guy who pleads the fifth and more like a who drinks a fifth.

Will Smith said he and wifey Jada Pinkett Smith had sex ‘multiple times every day’

Although, that may not have been with each other.

University of Florida bar Professor testimony in DeSantis suit

Not surprisingly, UF Professors gave DeSantis a big FU.

Conspiracy theorists lack critical thinking skills: New study

On the upside, they do get clearer 5G because of the tin foil hats.

CNN is launching a show called ‘Being Chris Christie’

Which is cheaper than a Food Channel show called ‘Feeding Chris Christie.’

Paul Rudd named 2021’s Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine

No word if the portrait in his attic makes the next cover of AARP.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are engaged after less than 1 year of dating

Welp, with all those tats she can read him like a book… literally!

Marjorie Taylor Greene says jailed capitol rioters are suffering terribly, ‘I’ll never forget their screams!’

… Maybe they were scared they’d be left alone with her …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)