Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Rolling Stones’ “No Filter Concert Tour” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rolling Stones in SoCal for ‘No Filter Concert Tour’ at SoFi Stadium

At this point, Keith Richards should be People Magazine’s first “Sexiest Man We Have No Idea Whether or Not He’s Alive!”

$150 grand worth of Louis Vuitton handbags stolen from Neiman Marcus

Which is like, what? Four, six if they were on mark down?

Biden releases the Gas Reserve

… Causing Camilla Parker Bowles to say, ‘not again.’

Kid Rock compared himself to Willie Nelson, David Lee Roth, Springsteen, & Brad Pitt

Welp, a side effect of Ivermectin is lots of horses**t

Alice’s Restaurant: Thanksgiving 2021 marks 56 years since event that inspired Arlo Guthrie’s song

And, the length of the actual song.

Ex-professor fired for allegedly masturbating during Zoom lecture sues Fordham

… I, for one, am just grateful he wasn’t at Morehead…

‘Furious’ Jim Jordan allies think Ohio Republicans are trying to redistrict him out of a House seat

In fairness, they probably thought he’d just look the other way.

Jay Leno shatters Bugatti Chiron ¼ mile time to set new world speed record in Tesla Model S Plaid

The bigger question is, when did he get Conan pulled from that ride?!

Kyle Rittenhouse speaks to Tucker Carlson in first TV interview

Kyle Rittenhouse on Tucker Carlson to say he’s no racist is like R. Kelly telling Matt Gaetz he only goes to Chuck E Cheese for the pizza.

Broadway legend Stephen Sondheim, whose work transformed musical theater, dead at 91

Send in the frowns. There has to be frowns. RIP Stephen Sondheim.

Gene Simmons rips anti-vaxxers: “If you’re willing to walk among us unvaccinated, you are an enemy”

And, for those wondering, that wasn’t said with giant tongue in cheek.

Aaron Rodgers’ continued ‘apology’ leaves a lot to be desired

Let’s face it, Rodgers needs to change the spelling of his name to Kaaron.

Topless Kourtney Kardashian reflects on her engagement to Travis Barker

So, they caught her right after church?

Marine Corps compliance with vaccine mandate on course to be military’s worst

… while the Navy still leads in man-dating…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)