[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Will Smith Sucker-Punches Al Pacino Because His Name Sounds Like ‘Alopecia’

Saying his name sounded suspiciously like “Alopecia,” the balding disease his wife suffers from, Will Smith punched Al Pacino.

More trouble at the famous Oscars for actor/ rapper/ slapper Will Smith, this time at world-famous Oscar’s Deli in Encino, where Will unloaded another fistful of cuckold rage, this time on fellow Best Actor winner and actual actor Al Pacino.

Alopecia or Al Pacino?
Alopecia or Al Pacino?

Pacino, looking like a very old werewolf who no longer had the strength to complete the transition, had taken a number to wait in line, but quickly became irate when people with higher-numbered tickets were being served first, shouting at them “You’re out of order! And you’re out of order! This whole food court’s out of order!”

The staff behind the counter started slicing pastrami and throwing the slices frisbee-style through the air to Pacino, who deftly caught them in his open mouth, placating the nine-time Oscar nominee, who chewed and swallowed noisily and declared in his best Foghorn Leghorn/ Scent of a Woman voice, “Hoo-ah!”

Just then Will Smith walked in. Witnesses say he was behaving erratically by alternately dancing then weeping, then dancing and weeping at the same time, like Sylvia Plath on Ecstasy. Smith, fearing he would be permanently banned from Oscar’s deli as well, wanted to get one last turkey club sandwich, although at press time, it was unclear who Smith was planning to hit over the head with the club.

Al Pacino turned around to offer a tissue to whomever was crying, and when Smith saw who it was, he flew into the kind of rage known only to men whose wife announced she was cheating on national television.

“Al Pacino?” Sounds like Alopecia!” Smith balled up a lotioned, manicured fist and sucker-punched the octogenarian actor right in the jaw. Stunned patrons in line pulled him off Pacino, and as they dragged him out the door, Will Smith shouted, “Keep my wife’s disease out your $#@!&*% name!! KEEP my wife’s DISEASE out your $#@&*% NAME!!”

Will Smith wanted to go back inside the deli to sit down and wait for his sandwich, but was told he would not be getting any club that would have him as a member.

Pacino shrugged off the attack, “That punch was nothing, all I notice is my cheek smells like aloe vera hand lotion. You want to know what a punch is, try cheating on Beverly D’Angelo! Mrs. Griswold beat me so bad my voice went from a nasally New Yorker to a gruff antebellum Confederate General. Hoo-ah!

“But I can’t believe he confused my name with a disease. The ironic thing is, Pacino is just my stage name, I changed it because my real name was Al Polio!”

When asked if he would press charges on Will Smith, Pacino was forgiving. “Aw, heck, forgive and forget, I say. In fact, I’m taking Will Smith up to Tahoe to go fishing next week, I love him like a brother. My brother Fredo.”

Chris O'Leary