[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Announces He’s Running for President of Ukraine

Rudy Giuliani planned the event for the former U.S. president, who says he’ll make “the best President of Ukraine ever.”

Donald Trump held a press conference yesterday in front of what he thought was the Ukrainian Embassy, but with Rudy Giuliani in charge of arranging the event, Trump instead addressed the press from the parking lot of the U-CRANE Heavy Equipment Rental Co., next to the Embassy Suites outside of Orlando. Trump waited until a particularly loud diesel front-loader was parked and its engine shut off, then took to the makeshift stage while loudspeakers blared some annoyingly overblown rock anthem by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

president of ukraine“Aren’t they great? The Trans-Siberian Orchestra! You know I could never play them in the White House if Mike Pence was going to be there, he refused to listen to anything with the word ‘Trans’ in it. He was weird that way. Me, I’m not hung up on stuff like that, I don’t care what kinda crazy stuff is going on in that band, if you can shred on a Les Paul like that you can use whatever bathroom you want.”

“Is that what you brought us here to say? Can we go now?” shouted a reporter from one of those newspapers you used to hear about on TV.

“What? No! Listen, I have incredible news — I’m running for President of Ukraine!”

“Do you mean the country or the Heavy Equipment Rental Company?”

“Who let that newspaper guy in here?” Trump sputtered, “Get him outta here! Nobody’s read a newspaper since Garfield died!”

“The cat or the President? And you can’t kick me out, I’m staying at the Embassy Suites and I’m going to go check in now.”

“Ignore him folks, newspapers are almost as boring as books. So I’m running for President of Ukraine and frankly, I’ve already almost won!

“It’s been a truly tremendous campaign, and by that I mean the Russian military campaign, and the way it looks I could be President any day now. Look, they need a regime change, the working people of this country need leadership that will go after the Bidens, and I need revenge on the guy with the accent that screwed up my scheme to steal the election fairly.

‘And Vlad is a genius, a shirtless, dead-eyed genius, and he’s found a way to win elections without getting any votes or spending any money. You have to admire a man like that. Or else he’ll poison you. So if he says it’s a done deal, you can count on me being the next President of Ukraine! Once I take office we’ll worry about who will be the Vice-President and the First Lady.”

When asked why he wasn’t going to run for reelection here in the United States as many thought he would, Trump complained “It’s too crooked, I can’t win in America, not with that corrupt set of rules called ‘Democracy.’ People tell me democracy is a good thing and that it’s fair, but how the hell can democracy be fair? it’s got the word Democrat right in the name!

“It doesn’t get more corrupt than that! You don’t have to be a genius with a high IQ-anon to see that connection! There’s no way a Republican can get elected as long as we have democracy. How would Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden like it if we lived in a system called a ‘Republic’? I don’t think a single Democrat would ever get elected if we turned this country into a republic! How would they like that?”

At which point a member of the press corps pointed out that we do live in a republic and always have, and that even the Pledge of Allegiance tells you it’s a republic. To which Trump replied, “Well that’s why I wouldn’t know about it, I’ve never pledged allegiance to anything. I’m looking at my fourth wife and my third country! But hey, maybe I’ll run for President of both countries, I’m pretty sure there’s no rule saying I can’t. Just imagine that.

“You know, my last phone call to the President of Ukraine was a perfect phone call. Just imagine how much more perfect it would be if I was on both ends of the phone! I can’t even imagine that level of perfection, and I’ve put on teenage beauty contests!”

Trump signed several “Make Ukraine Great Again” or “MUGA” hats as he left the stage to the sounds of Steamroller. Not the band Mannheim Steamroller, but an actual steamroller at U-CRANE Rental.

Chris O'Leary