[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Putin Urged to Take ‘April Fools Off-Ramp’

By taking an “April Fools Off-Ramp,” Putin could get out of a bad situation “without consequences,” diplomats suggest.

Much has been made of giving Russian President Vladimir Putin an “off-ramp” to get out of the war on Ukraine while “saving face.” This would allow him to shield his great big ego from being too badly bruised by the terrible miscalculation he made in launching the invasion in the first place.

Putin April Fools Off-Ramp
Putin: encouraged to take April Fools off-ramp.

Previously discussed off-ramps included settling for a small amount of territorial gain, or telling the Russian citizens and the world that he had been “misled” by his generals, and is pulling out.

But a new tactic is now in the process of being implemented, sources say, telling Putin that he should just say “April Fools!” and “admit” that it was all just a terrible joke. The strategy is said to have originated in the U.S. State Department or the CIA, but is being transmitted to the Russian leader through trusted oligarchs, who secretly oppose the war — but can’t say so out loud, for fear of repercussions.

The idea is to convince Putin that he can get out scot-free, and not have to pay for his many war crimes, while having all sanctions lifted. He has already been notified that the Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is prepared to meet with him in neutral territory, where Putin could deliver the punch line, and all would be forgiven.

Zelenskyy would then pat him on the back with a big grin, and they would all have a big laugh about how the cities he’s flattened will now be able to enjoy an economic resurgence.

But in a final twist, as Zelenskyy is patting him on the back, he would say, “Vlad, I know you’re a big Judo practitioner, so here’s something…” and pull a Judo move on him, twisting his arms back and slapping on some handcuffs.

Ukrainian soldiers, accompanied by Russian forces that have turned against Putin, would then surround the disgraced leader and march him off to prison, where he would take Kremlin dissident Alexei Navalny‘s place. Navalny would immediately be installed as Russia’s new interim president, pending elections.

All together, everyone gathered there, along with the whole world tuned into the event, could then shout in glorious unison:


(Ed. note to readers: Please don’t let Putin in on the joke too soon!)

James Israel
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