Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/29/22

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Will Smith smacking Chris Rock at the Oscars, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Will Smith smacks Chris Rock
Will Smith smacks Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Will Smith stuns Oscars viewers by smacking Chris Rock

Welp, gotta say lucky for Will Smith it was Chris Rock and not the Rock!

I’m not the Congress’: Supreme Court nominee Kentaji Brown Jackson masterfully shuts down Tom Cotton’s gotcha question

Let’s face it, Tom is out of his Cotton frickin’ mind.

Is Biden responsible for higher gas prices?

Maybe, maybe not; but, the good news about gas prices is that every time I fill it up, my car doubles in value.

Saint Peter’s coach says he fought through McDonald’s food poisoning to engineer Kentucky upset

Good thing it wasn’t KFC, or foul play would have been suspected.

Andrew Cuomo trying to make a political comeback

That’s like R Kelly trying to get that lifetime ban from Chuck E. Cheese overturned.

Time Warner announced that it is dropping OANN

Although, it might not be true if OANN actually reports it.

Keith Richards quits smoking after 55 years

I bet the Surgeon General may consider adding to that warning: ‘Except, you, Keith Richards, nothing is hazardous to your health.’

George Conway says Trump might plead insanity if he’s charged with any crimes relating to January 6th

Or, as his wife Kellyanne calls “alternative sanity.”

Tommy Hilfiger reveals that New England Patriot owner and Billionaire Robert Kraft is engaged to girlfriend Dana Blumberg

I’m sure this will have a happy ending… although probably not involving the bride.

Kylie Jenner revealed that she and Travis Scott have changed their son’s name, and it’s no longer Wolf

… they should name him after Prince and call him “The Baby Formerly Known as Wolf.”

Putin’s agents reportedly threatened a top Google executive in Moscow with a 24-hour ultimatum

Y’know, they didn’t do it by phone, because you can’t reach anyone at Google customer service that way.

A mountain lion has been spotted roaming Los Angeles neighborhood of Silver Lake

As opposed to the usual cougar… Madonna.

Leader of anti-vax group tells supporters drinking urine is COVID ‘antidote,’ citing ‘tons and tons’ of research

I can’t wait for the Musical, ‘The Whiz!’

Trump held a contest for small-dollar donors to have dinner with him. No one won

… On the upside, at least they weren’t forced to also pick up the check…

Paul Lander
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