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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Oscars Take Final Bow: Academy Retires

Feb 262013
 
 By , February 26, 2013

Upside: No more risk of Oscars hosts causing world to cringe

Last night, in a stunning move, The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences retired. There will be no more Oscars awarded for the foreseeable future.

Academy Awards, oscars

There will be no 86th Academy Awards.

Citing irreconcilable differences, the academy, comprised of 6000 movie professionals, seem to be taking their cue from Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to retire a week earlier.

“Retiring is highly contagious,” said director Christopher Nolan, a long-time Academy member. “We figured if the Pope can do it than so can we.”

While some Academy members were disturbed by these developments others looked forward to obtaining stock options in the red carpet itself as well as a lifetime-supply of half-priced movie tickets.

“I plan to spend the added free time counting my gold bars,” said Samuel Goldwyn Jr., producer and wealthy despot.

Twitter feeds and Facebook pages lit up last night with Oscars audience members who “didn’t give a damn,” and who insisted host Seth MacFarlane “is an irritating man-child.”

Joan and Melissa Rivers, meanwhile, who cover red carpet fashions for E!, got into a tizzy.

“What a load of crap!” said Joan Rivers of the end of the Academy Awards. “We’re going to report on the Oscars next year for E! if I have to walk back and forth on the red carpet myself.” Melissa tried to calm her mother down, but Joan was uncontrollably irate. “I mean it,” she went on. “If I have to I’ll attack the way my Tom Ford gown and cape hardly matches my severely-botoxed, screwy-looking face.”

Such extreme measures may not be necessary. For a burgeoning group of cinephiles, L.M.M.T.O.W.C. (Love Movies More Than Our Wives Club), are petitioning The Academy to reinstate the 2014 Oscars with Pope Benedict XVI as host.

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Matt Nagin is an author, educator, actor, filmmaker and standup comedian. He has been published in Writer's Digest, The New York Post, .Mic, The Humor Times, The Higgs-Weldon, Grain Magazine, Arsenic Lobster, Spillway, Dash, Antigonish Review and many, many more. He also wrote and directed his first short film, "Inside Job," which premiered at The Mediterranean Film Festival Cannes, where it won Best Short Film. More info at mattnagin.com.

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  • Brian G.

    Hilarious! Can’t wait to see more.

  • Mark Asaro

    I never liked the Oscars anyway.

  • Bart Schumaker

    Funny faux-news article!

  • Jen Christian

    Oscars R.I.P.

  • Jason N.

    Really funny article!

  • Joe Furey

    Really funny moments good review. Especially loved; ” We figured if the Pope can do it than so can we.” Right on Matt! Glad to see this is what college professors do on their off hours. J/k –

  • johnny blaze

    Oscars suck

  • Janine Avril

    Matt, you’re a riot. I always love your perspective. Janine

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