[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Niche Haunted Houses are all the rage
In the latest craze to hit the Halloween crowd, horror fans are creating Haunted Houses for very specific groups. Each is tailor made to scare the bone marrow out of their target audience.
Gun Nut House of Horror – Specially made to scare the beejeebees out of gun nuts everywhere. Projectors flicker images of headlines across the walls of pending legislation to control guns in different regions of the U.S. A special theater constantly shows films in which gun wielders are done in by people, soldiers, mutants, monsters, space aliens ecetera who wipe them out with advanced technology or brute strength. For those with a survivalist bent there are also films in which an environmental, interplanetary, viral etc. disaster wipes out mankind including themselves. The house is enough to leave even the meanest cowboy trembling in his boots.
Democratic Party Haunted House – Horrors of a Republican dominated government are the main theme of this scary house. Ronald Reagan, Bob Dole and Strom Thurmond disguised zombies roam the halls terrorizing the Democratic pure of heart. The terror of hanging chads, redistricted neighborhoods, anti abortion laws and Scott Walker Presidential nominations are enough to give any liberal nightmares. FOX News provides the background soundbites.
Artist Haunted House – The Hollywood threat of creating a whole slew of Brittany Spears/Miley Cyrus drones to dominate the entire gamut of American media would dissolve even the strongest resolve of any true artist trying to gain a niche for themselves in the competitive world of commercial creativity. In this special specialty House of Whores and Horrors a devious machine on loan from Industrial Light and Magic (the same people who brought you the endless number of Boba Fett clones in the last three Star Wars movies) mass produces starlets/singers/whores of the Spears/Cyrus/Madonna ilk. Disney is on line to be the next to use the machine. The robotic drones are preset to do anything (ANYTHING!!!!) to keep the nation’s attention on themselves and nothing else. They will sing, dance, act and, in moments of losing the audiences attention altogether, strip down to an appropriate level of nakedness or commit a simulated or real act of depravity that will yank that wandering attention back to themselves.
Macho man Haunted House – All the things that scare the hell out of the He-men, although they will never show or admit to it. The onslaught of Women’s Lib, the unisex attitude, liberal policies, equal rights legislation, the spread of gay-ism and a whole slew of other castrating social factors that have emasculated a huge segment of the American (and world’s) prowess. All men are feminized until the only ‘real man’ left in the world is The Rock.
Republican Haunted House – The laws are manipulated and Obama succeeds at getting a third term as President. Entire house is composed of 2006 campaign posters, speeches and videos, all supplied by the ‘liberal media.’
The Scariest American Haunted House of All Time – Inside these walls the NRA overturns all gun control laws and anyone can possess one no matter how old or how crazy and guns can have any magnitude of power and bullet count. The Far Right takes over the government and we become a Corporate Dictatorship. All birth control is banned and we become as overpopulated as China. The 1% and Yuppies take over the economy so much that regular families and working people are forced to live in the rubble of their demolished homes and eat the weeds that grow in razed lots of their neighbors who have died from starvation.
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