[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Before the speech, Fox calls Obama a ‘waffler,’ for giving them and the NRA what they asked for.
Many believed it would be a dramatic and historic meeting between President Obama and NRA leader Wayne LaPierre when they met at a press conference in New York this afternoon.
After a long standing feud (minus guns, but about guns) between the two, for the entire duration of Obama’s term, the President has finally admitted defeat and will cave in to the NRA’s demands, that anybody anywhere can buy and possess guns of any make at any time they so wish.
Overlooking the loud protests of millions of victims and advocates of gun control who felt that they had no rights in the matter while the NRA harped long and loud about the only Constitutional Amendment they really cared about, the Second, Obama has nonetheless given his word to no longer try to enact legislation limiting gun purchases. It is a huge defeat for a man to whom many looked to to bring them justice in an America that the NRA seemed to think they owned.
LaPierre spoke first. “My fellow Americans, this is a proud day for the gun owners of America! We have finally forced through our right that any citizen can and shall own any form of gun that he or she wishes without any interference from any governmental body whatsoever, be it the police, the FBI, State agents or any other. No one, no where can tell us any longer what to do!”
This statement was met with wild cheering by many in the audience, some of whom openly carried shotguns, bazookas and assault rifles. Equally loud “Boos!” sounded as well from those opposed.
It was Obama’s turn to talk to the crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, it is with regret that I concede to Mr. LaPierre and his well organized minions the power of gun rights. I no longer have the energy or the resources to stop his organization’s takeover of American politics. They are so focused on this one aspect of law and so adamant about it that I can no longer fight it. Therefore, from this day forth, you folks can have whatever damn bang-bang playtoys you want to have.” Despite his snide remark, the pro-gun people still put up a wild cheer. The gun rights participants put in their moan again, this time with an angry edge to it.
“Therefore let me say that not only do I concede this law,” continued Obama “I will embellish it.” Everyone fell silent at this, even LaPierre himself.
“Not only will I give in to the NRA’s constant insistence on having its way, I am actively going to see to it that every American gets the guns they want. Right at this moment free guns are being distributed to everyone over the age of 16 in every poor neighborhood in the New York area.” A collective gasp of surprise went out at this. “Since most guns are in the hands of white people, we need to see that there is more balance to this, that truly everyone has the chance to own one. Guns of all makes and models are right at this moment being passed out in Mexican, black, Chinese…”
“Wait a minute!” cried LaPierre, his face turning even whiter than normal.
“…middle-eastern, Peurto Rican, Vietnamese and other ethnic neighborhoods. And to be fair, also in the poor white areas. If we are going to be truly equal about this, then all Americans should share in the bounty of guns that are available.”
Sweat pored down LaPierres face and he clutched his heart. “No…no! That isn’t what this is supposed to be about! We can’t let coloreds have…I mean we have to be careful who has…” For once the great leader of one of Washington’s strongest lobbying groups seemed to be at a loss for words.
Glancing sidelong at his long time adversary, Obama said calmly “Now Mr. LaPierre, you have always so adamantly said that gun ownership should be free. Now I am making it so. I have come over to your side and am not only supporting it, but promoting it. By evening there will be a gun in the hands of every ethnic groups in this area. And here is even more good news, tomorrow we start handing them out to our fellow Americans of all races all across the country!”
LaPierre was as white as a ghost and seemed to be having trouble breathing, almost as though he were experiencing his worst nightmare. “Wait, wait! It can’t be this way! We meant gun rights for…for…um…certain people…”
“Now, now, Mr. LaPierre! You have shouted long and hard for gun rights and now you have them. And I am now supporting that idea and taking it a step further by making sure EVERY adult has one.” Obama put his hand gently upon the NRA man’s slumping shoulder. “In fact, we special ordered a whole slew of Chinese made guns to meet that demand.”
LaPierre almost collapses from shock.”Chinese guns…No!…No!…No!… You can’t do that! Not Chinese!…American!…American only!…” The man’s legs were going wobbly and he seemed about to fall.
“Oh, yes, Mr. Lapierre! Your dream has at last come true. And in addition just this morning we passed a special law allowing for unlimited guns to be sent here from China. Unlimited guns, Mr. LaPierre! Something you’ve always dreamed of.”
“Oh God!” warbled LaPierre as he slunk to the floor clutching his chest. Medics ran up to assist the stricken man.
Obama, keeping his cool, continued to address the crowd as paramedics attended the ailing representative of American gun manufacturers. “Our friend seems to be having some health issues so I will end this conference. Let me just say to you folks to be careful on your way home today, especially you openly wearing redneck t-shirts and displaying similar stickers on your cars. The streets will be very different now than when you came here. Have a good, patriotic day”
Obama waved to the crowd and strode off the stage, a strangely triumphant smile on his face.
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