[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
How to create “cruelty-free” pet food? Problem solved!
After reading horrendous tales about chicken and cattle slaughter houses, Ed and Edna Hunter decided they could not be party to such cruelty to domestic animals and became vegans.
The big problem was how to feed their beloved 9 cats and 7 dogs, who could not live on an all vegetarian diet. They came up with a brilliant solution, to combine pest control with pet food production.
Now, for a paltry sum, Ed and Edna will come to your home and trap mice, rats, or any other wild and potentially harmful vermin. They use specially designed traps and never use any substance that might contaminate the future food source. The rodents are then “sanitized,” die blissfully inebriated after being fed an overdose of bourbon, and are turned into both canned and kibble dog and cat food.
After helping to squelch a couple of small outbreaks of bubonic plague they were responsible for, they have received FDA approval. They have also been praised by several Green organizations for their return to nature’s natural food chain while simultaneously engaging in a toxic-free method of pest control.
Recently, they have come up with a premium level pet food. They now have a plant that houses approximately 10,000 hamsters at any one time. They are fed well during their short life span and live in roomy heated and air conditioned habit trails. They have a veterinarian on staff, who makes sure that only hamsters who have died of a healthy old age become part of their deluxe product. The only problem has been complaints from neighbors who have been kept awake by the nightly sound of 10,000 hamster wheels.
If you are a totally committed vegan who loves animals and has been tortured with the dilemma of what to feed your pets, look for the can or bag with its name spelled out in rats’ tails: Vermin Farms.
Diane de Anda
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