[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
DNA tests prove Bill Maher right: The orange-haired millionaire is at least 50% orangutan.
NYC — Routine tests on Donald Trump after his admission to Bellevue Hospital yesterday (see “Donald Trump Hospitalized with Ebola, Verbal Diarrhea,” this site) prove conclusively that the eccentric property developer and political nuisance is indeed descended from an orangutan, as alleged earlier this year by TV pundit and popular theologian, Bill Maher.
DNA results indicate that Trump is at least 50% orangutan and perhaps more. The composition of his strangely orange hair, or “fur” as his doctors describe it, is identical with DNA samples taken from his alleged father (see pictures below).
Maher claimed during a Tonight Show appearance that he believed Trump was the spawn of an orangutan. He offered to pay $5 million if the mop-haired millionaire could prove that he was not the son of Trump’s mother and one of the large orange primates indigenous to Indonesia and Malaysia.
Trump responded by producing an obviously forged birth certificate and filed a $5 million lawsuit against Maher, afterwards dropping it without explanation. Attorney Michael Cohen, special counsel to Trump, said at the time that “the lawsuit was temporarily withdrawn to be amended and refiled at a later date.”
It is thought that while in the hospital Trump himself requested the DNA test, though it seems to have backfired.
“Mr Trump is unquestionably some type of primitive simian, or at least as close to one as makes little difference,” said a hospital representative at a hastily convened press conference today. “Apart from his limited intelligence, bizarre appearance and uncivilized behavior, you need only compare him to an actual orangutan to clinch the matter.”
He then produced the photographic evidence accompanying this article.
Interviewed late last night, Bill Maher said: “$5 million is peanuts to Trump, they’re his staple diet, of course.” Giggling between puffs of Maui Wowie he added: “I guess he won’t be monkeying around in here for a while.”
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