[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Medical hunt for idiot’s brain turns up surprising results: ‘I’m a Cupid Stunt,’ Barbieri says.
BOISE, Idaho – Republican state Rep. Vito Barbieri underwent a micro-camera insert examination today to experience just how the latest medical technology works. Mr Barbieri made headlines recently after asking a gynecologist whether a small swallowed camera could send out interior pictures of a woman’s womb and vagina.
At a press conference later, he explained his use of the phrase. He considered himself a “victim of the little love god,” he said, because he adored his wife Darlene very much, and had frankly always marveled at the way his children so closely resembled their former neighbor Fred in Arkansas.
“They were such close friends, I thought it was just from all the candy he brought her,” Barbieri explained, once again proudly displaying the almost incomprehensible depths of his stupidity and ignorance. “You know, that his cooties were on the chocolates, and she ate them and they all sort of mingled around inside there.”
“I had some too,” he added, “but for some reason never got pregnant. It did make me wonder, though.”
Rep. Barbieri then introduced Hungarian physician Dr Colin Oskopi, who had conducted the hour-long, micro-camera examination. A package of remarkably clear images with explanatory notes was made available to the press (see graphic).
Dr Oskopi began by briefly describing the procedure, which required what he called “a simple if momentarily uncomfortable anal insertion.” He added that in Rep. Barbieri’s case this had not been difficult because he is such a “magnus rectum pilosis,” a medical term he declined to translate.
“Our first surprise,” Dr Oskopi went on, “although by no means our last, is that the subject” — he gestured towards the still stupidly beaming representative — “has no heart. None whatsoever. Instead there’s just a pile of tattered right-wing clichés and a fading photograph of Ronald Reagan.”
“Mmm, Ronald Reagan,” murmured the representative reflexively, like Homer Simpson thinking of beer.
Asked how Mr Barbieri continues to live, Dr Oskopi replied: “Koch money, just like all of them. They have invisible but very real XL-style pipelines to numerous legal and semi-legal sources like Americans for Prosperity, and since money is their lifeblood, manage to walk and talk without a single human impulse in their calcified veins.”
Dr Oskopi said that the examination’s biggest surprise was the nature of the Mr Barbieri’s brain. “It’s almost entirely Reptilian,” he noted, “and frankly so tiny we had difficulty locating it.”
He pulled out another image. “In his case,” he said, pointing, “most of what’s considered human is completely atrophied. Mr Barbieri was born with a brain, but the thing quickly withered from lack of use and a stunted education. He is now capable of nothing but the most primitive impulses, known technically as the three F’s — fear, flight, and sex.
“So you can’t really blame the idiot for not thinking,” the doctor wound up, “because he doesn’t have the ability. He’s just a bubbling, fetid swamp of ignorance, stupidity, half-remembered school-room phrases and a consuming drive for money. Get Money is the only lesson he, and all those like him, ever really learned. God bless America.”
Rep. Barbieri closed out the conference by thanking Dr Oskopi and noting that despite his now-documented ignorance and inability to reason, he had voted in favor of further restrictions on women’s right to an abortion. Luckily for them, he also sits on the board of a crisis pregnancy center in northern Idaho.
“We just gotta take the Ho out of Idaho,” he explained, adding: “Whether they can get babies through their stomachs or not, I still think that when it comes to men, girls should be careful about what they put in their mouths.”
Who could argue with that? Democracy and the Holy Spirit work in mysterious ways.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!