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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

John McCain Goes All John McClane

May 262015
 
 By , May 26, 2015

Pissed about ISIS, Senator John McCain ambushes the President

On Sunday, like a rabid baboon, Senator John McCain emerged from the bushes and launched a vicious attack on Barack Obama. As the 44th President of the United States was exiting a Starbucks with his order, a Venti Mocha Cookie Frappuccino — containing 77 shots of espresso, which is about 6000mg of caffeine — McCain quite literally assaulted the 44th president of the United States.

Senator John McCain angryFoaming at the mouth, the senior senator and avid WWE fan somehow managed to execute The Stunner, a wrestling move made famous by Stone Cold Steve Austin. As Obama hit ground, his coffee flying through the air, McCain lept to his feet, ready to fight the two nearby security guards.

A semi-conscious Obama then had to endure a new attack from John McCain, a verbal one: “You and climate change. What about the threat to national security? Save the polar bears, what about saving us from Islamic State militants in Iraq and Syria?”

The childish comments by the Senate armed services committee chairman came after ISIS fighters recently took control of the ancient Syrian city of Palmyra and the Iraqi city of Ramadi.

“There is no strategy to fight terror, Mr. President,” McCain roared.

Before attempting to cover Obama for a one, two, three count, he continued. “Right now, in Palmyra, they’re executing people in the streets, but you are worried about endangered animals. We need to fight ISIS more aggressively. Giant pandas, one of those supposedly endangered animals, have a protruding wrist bone which functions as a thumb, and if they understood what I was saying, undoubtedly, they would give a thumbs up sign of approval.”

Last week, in a commencement address at the US Coast Guard Academy, Mr. Obama said climate change was the “Rush Limbaugh of challenges, as in,  it just won’t go away.”

“I’m here today to say that climate change is going to impact us all,” Obama said. “Yes, Florida will eventually disappear, and that’s great, but the negatives need addressing.”

On Sunday, after viewing the assault on YouTube, the US defense secretary, Ash Carter, blamed the fall of Ramadi on Iraqi forces, who he said “lost their balls about 12 months ago.”

“Unlike Sen. John McCain, the Iraqi forces just show no will to fight. What about that for a Stunner? Not bad for a 78-year-old,” a perplexed looking Carter told a Huffington Post reporter. “Iraqi forces were not outnumbered, not at all. In fact, they vastly outnumbered the opposing force. That says to me, and I think to most of us, Iraqi military forces are about as useful as childcare advice from Josh Duggar.”

Hakim al-Zucchini, nicknamed Corporal Courgette, rejected the claims, “I am the leader of Iraq’s military forces, Carter’s comments are unrealistic and baseless, and who the hell is Josh Duggar?”

John McCain, now in police custody, released a statement early this morning. It read:

“Am I sorry for my actions? No. I’m only sorry I didn’t pin that bastard for a one, two, three count. We need to have more troops on the ground. We need forward air controllers … We need, wait, I need to get my suit dry cleaned. Obama spilled coffee all over me. Anyone know a good enzyme based laundry detergent?”

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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