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Rick Perry’s Back, and This Time He Can Count to Three

Jun 052015
 
 By , June 5, 2015

America looks forward to Rick Perry’s next Count Von Count imitation

Rick Perry’s 2012 run for the White House was the campaign equivalent of Disaster Movie, the Ebola like parody written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, with a .00001% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Releasing The Starving Games in 2013, the film director and screenwriter team failed to learn from their previous mistakes, and Rick Perry seems to be in the very same boat — a sinking boat.

Rick PerryAnnouncing Thursday that he will launch a second presidential run, the dyscalculic Republican hopes to cancel out those nightmarish memories of 2012. Considering Rick Perry tried and tried, but spectacularly failed, to name the three federal agencies he so desperately wanted to remove, there is every chance the human goldfish has no recollection of 2012.

Commenting on Perry’s announcement, President Obama sarcastically asked: “Didn’t Einstein say insanity meant doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Guess Rick never heard of Albert.”

Bernard “Dishevelled Looking” Sanders, the junior United States Senator from Vermont, who has already announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination in the 2016 presidential election, also voiced his disdain for Perry: “Rick Perry joins a swollen Republican field. This clown car now includes 10 declared candidates with at least five more on the horizon. How many more idiots want to perform at this Republican circus?”

Oddly enough, with more than a few confused looking faces on show, Perry came on stage to ‘Hit Em Up,’ 2Pac’s infamous Notorious B.I.G diss track. “Idiotic, you say, on the contrary, I think it was a stroke of brilliance. Let’s not forget Hillary announced her candidacy with ‘Who Shot Ya,’ Biggie’s diss track, playing in the background. This was a subtle middle finger to Mrs. Clinton,” said Bill O’Reilly, before adding: “I genuinely hate rap music, literally anything that isn’t Kenny Chesney approved, but this was a stroke of genius.”

With the widow of slain American Sniper Chris Kyle publicly backing Rick Perry, maybe, just maybe, he is a credible candidate. Actively endorsing Perry’s run, Taya Kyle stated, “Believe me, Rick is a breath of fresh air in a room full of political farting, sharting and nauseating promises.”

As the longest-serving governor in Texan history, Perry spent three decades working in the Hick State before leaving the governor’s ranch in January.

Although he was a labelled a genuine contender back in 2012, it didn’t take long for the Republican to publicly implode. When asked about Perry’s chances, Hillary Clinton replied: “I’ll never forget Rick famously attempting and failing to imitate Sesame Street’s Count Von Count. It was hilarious, I almost felt sorry for him… almost,” before adding: “It’s three agencies of government I want gone. Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one? What comes after two, um, um, A, B, C, 1, 2… ummm, help me Jesus. Car crash TV at its finest.”

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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