[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘Buggers’ Bush and Cheney Claim That Iraq Hardly Noticed Being Raped

Interviewed by Megyn Kelly, Bush and Cheney say they did almost nothing wrong.

NEW YOR CITY – Soft-porn model and corporate shill Megyn Kelly – the blonde who put the Fox in Fox News – last night conducted a “hardball” interview with former president George W Bush and vice-president Dick Cheney.

Bush and Cheney, Jail
Bush and Cheney ‘Never improperly touched Iraq.’

Known widely nowadays as ‘The Two Buggers,’ or simply ‘The Buggers,’ the politically married pair were quizzed about their alleged rapes of Iraq and the American public mind in 2003.

New evidence, Kelly said, suggested that the couple “improperly touched and raped Iraq after knowingly and repeatedly fucking with the American mind for years after 9/11.” She noted that they had also made millions for themselves in their ongoing TV reality show, “19 Wars and Counting.”

“Twelve years ago, when I was just a young president, I made a terrible mistake,” Bush admitted, his voice trembling. “I was curious about being a political teenager and all the new guns and stuff I could fondle in private. And then I found out how easy it was to fuck with the American public mind, especially as most people are politically asleep most of the time.”

Bush said that all he had to do was cash in on the respect for his office, and ruthlessly exploit public figures with reputations for integrity.

“Like Colin Powell and The New York Times,” he said. “I think it’s awful how they’re now being hounded by the liberal press. That’s the real story here. Look, a squirrel!”

“C’mon, it wasn’t really any of our faults,” ponderously growled Dick Cheney, taking over the interview, “especially not mine.”

He added: “Listen, Reagan, the American people willingly went along with our mind fuck – 90% were behind us, remember, including Hillary Clinton. So really what our critics are calling a political molestation was completely consensual and mostly just over the clothes.”

Besides, Cheney went on to observe, many citizens hadn’t even noticed that they had been mind-fucked until it was pointed out to them, years after the event. That meant it didn’t happen, almost. Even today, some folks still claimed that while they knew they had been obscenely manipulated by Bush and Cheney, they also knew they had not been obscenely manipulated.

“You have to be a real Bugger to understand the cognitive dissonance,” Cheney said, “or at least a Tea Party Republican.”

Bush noted that since leaving office he had been to Christian counseling and truly believed that God had forgiven him.

“This is why I feel it’s just fine for me to now condemn other perpetrators of political molestation, improper touching, and rape, like Putin in the Ukraine or that Basher guy in Syria. No matter what you have personally done, if Uncle Dick says it’s okay then it is. Right, Uncle Dick?”

Cheney’s grey eyes eyes narrowed behind his wire-rimmed spectacles. “When we were finished not raping Iraq,” he said with a cold laugh, “we should have never not pulled out. That way the mind-fucking and political molestation would not never have ended, which of course it never hasn’t.”

Michael Egan