[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Report: McCain is a wuss, and The Donald’s military experience can easily Trump him
After Donald Trump’s scathing attack on Senator John McCain’s war record the Investigation’s Department here at Humor Times did a little digging into Trump’s own military record. It turns out that the great Donald also has a legacy of war experience.
As a young child, Donald Trump on 10 separate occasions was involved in fierce snowball fights, one even causing injury to his right leg as he was hit by a devious ice-ball.
At study hall in the second grade Trump was involved in a vicious rubber band fight suffering a red eye from a particularly well aimed rubber band.
At age eleven Trump watched every episode from all five seasons of the television show Combat.
In middle school Trump got into a fist fight with a student wearing a German military coat. Donald suffered a Dutchman’s Rub and a wedgie from the conflict.
At age sixteen Trump partook in a high school play portraying a World War I soldier returning from Europe with amnesia about his battlefield experience. He was really bad at it.
As a young stockbroker on Wall Street at age 22 he actually gave a dollar to a veteran soliciting donations on the street and got a red artificial poppy to put in his lapel.
While stuck in a hotel in Newark one night due to bad weather Donald Trump watched the entire length of the movie The Great Escape. Later he went further and actually read an article about it.
Trump will actually be nice to veterans in uniform he meets at his properties and will only be a little bit condescending to them.
Once, after watching a documentary about Hitler on the History Channel, Trump thought secretly to himself “That guy did have some good ideas.”
While visiting Europe Trump did a tour of Omaha Beach where D-Day took place and questioned a local Realtor about the possibility of buying it up to build a casino.
Donald Trump actually owns a few guns like the ones they use in real wars.
While visiting Nagasaki in Japan while on a business trip Trump was heard to comment “Nice how they fixed it up.”
But above and beyond all the aforementioned war experiences it must be noted and emphasized that DONALD TRUMP WAS NEVER CAPTURED UNLIKE THAT PANSY JOHN MCCAIN!!!
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(Authors side note — Donald Trump’s real war record goes like this: he got out of the draft during the Vietnam War first by getting a college deferment, then later another deferment for having a bone spur in his foot, then got a high number in the draft lottery. That is getting close to Dick Cheney’s record of five draft deferments.)
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