[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Crimes against comedy: The demise of Adam Sandler
Pixels, the big screen equivalent of horse shit, came on the heels of The Cobbler, the biggest stinker of Adam Sandler’s career (which was also his lowest-grossing title ever). In the realms of artistic credibility, Hotel Transylvania has been his only respectable offering recently, and let’s not forget that this animated film didn’t require his presence onscreen. “Thankfully!” said Anthony Oliver Scott — strong words from the chief film critic at The New York Times.
The Westboro Baptist Church certainly think so. Notorious for their anti-gay protests, members of the Kansas based church have turned their anger towards the American pseudo-actor, pseudo-comedian, screenwriter, entrepreneur, film producer, and pseudo-musician.
“Adam Sandler’s crimes against art must be stopped,” Westboro Baptist Church spokesman Steve Drain told CNN on Friday. “We will not stop until the actor, and I use the term actor recklessly, agrees to stop making movies.”
On September 25th, at the premiere of Hotel Transylvania 2 in Brooklyn, according to an irate Drain, the group intends to “bring an end to Adam Sandler’s comedic abuse.”
Shortly before passing away in 2014, according to reports, Fred Phelps, the pastor who once headed the Westboro Baptist Church, asked his followers to “encroach upon the lives of fallen actors,” Adam Sandler and Nicolas Cage, to name just two, and to “bring an end to the careers of the talentless” — namely David Spade, Tyler Perry and Kevin James.
Commenting on her father’s dying wishes, Shirley Phelps-Fiend had this to say, “Although we want Adam Sandler to stop making movies, we all admit that he once made us laugh. However, I cannot forgive him for giving the likes of that retarded duo of David Spade and Rob Schneider a platform to pollute our minds with horrible cameos, their rat like appearances, and truly awful humor.”
Shirley believes that God is punishing the United States for “the sins of Sandler” through events such as the Californian drought.
Before leaving to picket the funeral of a neighbor’s pet hamster, the political activist and devil incarnate had a few poignant words to add: “Adam needs to wake up and realize that he’s 48 years of age. Yes, we enjoyed him in the ’90s, a decade that saw him play the eternal teenage boy. Sadly, though, Sandler seems to have neglected one important fact — his audience grew up a long time ago. Happy Gilmore seems a distant memory. Adam Sandler, don’t be a bastard, just stop with these god awful movies.”
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