[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Enjoy a sneak peek at some of the songs Disney is including in the new Star Wars musical!
Unbeknownst to the press and we Star Wars geeks, Disney has insisted that Director J. J. Abrams make the upcoming seventh installment of the Star Wars mega-franchise a musical, hoping to continue Disney’s legacy of hit making song and dance movies such as Mary Poppins and Frozen. Abrams was fiercely opposed to this idea until made to think otherwise by an oversized Wookie henchman who threatened to rip his arms off.
Bringing in the musical team that put together the lyrics and sound to go with them for Disney’s big hit Frozen, the creators have come up with the following tunes for Star Wars, which were covertly given to us by a disgruntled Jawa from the new film, Wikileaks style.
The first appearance of the notorious Storm Troopers of the Dark Side of the Force is announced by the historic ‘Da, da ,da da, dom da dom’ music famous from all the preceding Star Wars films, but then breaks quickly into the following ditty and dance:
(Sung to the tune of “I’m a Lumberjack and I’m OK”)
We’re Storm Troopers and we’re OK
we slay Jedi Knights
both night and day
Oh, we’re Dark Side and we’re OK
we stomp on Ewoks
then fry them with a laser ray.
Oh we’re storm troopers and we’re OK
under our armor is pink underwear
and we are really gay.
Yes we’re storm trooper and we’re really gay
and though you may not like it
it really makes our day!
The whole movie set returns to the planet of Tattoine where the original Star Wars film started. Hans Solo and Chewbacca are on hand to sing (actually Chewy pretty much grunts his way through it):
(Sung and grunted to the tune of ‘Oklahoma’)
Tattoine were the wind is hot as a Bantha’s breath
where your skin crinkles up like a banana peel
and chokes you half the way to death!
Tattoine where the girls all look like a rat that died
and their skin is so tough that it is like
a crocodile that’s shed his hide.
Tattoine where two suns orbit up in the sky
and it gets so hot
that your brain is shot
and shrivels you up until you die.
Of course, there must be a love interest in the new Star Wars movie (a required ingredient in all Disney flicks). A new, as yet unnamed Jedi meets a lovely princess (in all fictional Disney films the female lead must always be a princess). The pair express their love while singing:
(Sung to the tune of “There’s a Place for Us” from West Side Story)
(Sung together) There’s a space for us,
A sublime space with no fuss
A whole galaxy with no Dark Force
but there’s Ewoks, of course… somewhere….
There’s a star for us
Somewhere not so far from us.
A lovely planet with lots of air
if we dare to go there.
There’ll be a time for us
Long, long ago, before we were born
Yes, someday a time for us
in a galaxy far far away.
Hold what’s left of my hand
and we’re light year’s away
a space where we can play
a place where the creatures will understand,
Luke Skywalker appears older know, but is still haunted by the ghost of his long de-handed and deceased father Darth Vader:
(Sung to the tune of The Phantom of the Opera)
(Luke sings) In my mind he calls to me
that dark masked man.
In dreams he beckons me
to take his hand.
And though he wants me there
right by his side,
the Sith Overlord is there, inside my mind
(Vader sings) The Dark Force does now begin
to have power over you.
And though you shrink from it
yet still it allures
The Dark Force also lies inside of you.
(Luke) I’ll never give in to you
(Vader) Oh yes you will.
(Luke) What you offer me, I do not want
(Vader) It is your only hope for salvation!
(Duet) What is in this darkness, that draws us near.
Is it the power of the Force that keeps us here?
The great finale comes as the Jedis and the goody side of the Force again vanquish much of the Dark side after many hand amputations, falls down steep precipices, numerous light saber battles and many wise intonations over the unseen power of both sides of the all-pervading entity. The great Knights all come together to sing the Star Wars finale, a stupendous ode to their magnificent adventure:
(Sung to the tune of the ‘Jet Song’ from West Side Story)
(Luke) When you’re a Jedi
you’re a Jedi all the way
from your first light saber
to your last dyin’ day
(Obi-wan) When you’re a Jedi
you fight for the Light
you give them a bruising
without any respite!
(Yoda) When you’re a Jedi
you fight the Dark Force
you send them to Hell
without any remorse.
(Mace Windo) When you’re a Jedi
your saber will swing
Little boy, you’re a man
Little man you’re a king.
(All together) Here come the Jedi’s
like a Rancor from hell
Storm troopers get in our way
soon they don’t feel so well.
Here come the Jedi’s
Bounty hunters step aside
run to your star ships
to save your damn hide!
Here come the Jedi’s
Yeah! And we’re gonna storm
every last bloody Darth
in any way, shape or form!
Let the credits roll!!!
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