[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Ultra-costly F-35 ‘at least shinier’ than old Sopwith Camel, officials say.
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced today that a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited “superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude” compared to its F-35 opponent.
“We are learning a lot about the F-35, and all of our learning experiences are showing us it is an excellent example of what happens when you try to make a plane do everything,” stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.
Carter added, “The F-35 cannot do anything very well, so it was no surprise to us when the Sopwith Camel biplane whooped it in 14 consecutive dogfights.”
Lockheed Martin was quick to defend the costly and frequently delayed F-35 program, which is expected to cost American taxpayers approximately $1.5 trillion over its fifty year life-expectancy.
“The F-35 will never meet the Sopwith Camel biplane in actual combat since it was retired in 1920,” stated Lockheed Martin Chairman, President and CEO Marillyn A. Hewson.
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