[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I used the bankruptcy law and did a tremendous thing — all the top people agree,” says Trump.
Bernie Sanders’ recently challenged Donald Trump to a televised debate, and Trump initially accepted. Appearing on the Jimmy Kimmel Live talk show, Trump said that it would be “fun to smash that old Jew in the mouth — symbolically speaking, of course — everyone knows I don’t condone violence.”
“And what if your fans started punching Bernie supporters at the debate?” asked Kimmel.
“Well,” said Trump, “if my followers wanted to punch some deserving Bernie bros, I’ll definitely pay their legal fees. But I don’t condone it.”
Asked how he thought he’d fare in a debate, Trump told Kimmel that, “I’ve got a really good brain, you know. My IQ is one of the highest. I would teach that socialist a thing or two in a debate, I can tell you.”
However, today his campaign spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, announced that Trump is backing out of the debate. She said that the author of The Art of the Deal decided it was a “bad deal” for him, and that he would get out of it the way he always gets out of uncomfortable situations — by declaring bankruptcy.
“Mr Trump has filed for mental bankruptcy in this case, declaring that he sees no profit in facing a second-place finisher,” said Pierson, reading from a prepared statement. “Although, he wants to stress that he’s a really smart guy — probably the smartest businessman ever, even — as everyone knows.”
Reached for comment on the campaign trail, an exasperated-looking Bernie Sanders said, “Well, I predicted it. You heard me say I hope he doesn’t chicken out. But on the other hand, it is the first honest thing he’s done or said since he entered the race! Because he certainly is mentally — if not morally — bankrupt. But then, so is the entire billionaire class, to my way of thinking.”
“In fact, I propose a nickel tax every vacuous insult and ill-informed opinion any of them ever utter — it will pay for my free college plan!” he said.
Asked about backing out of the debate on another talk show appearance today, this time with Stephen Colbert, Mr Trump said, “Hey, I did a tremendous thing. I used the law, I declared bankruptcy. All the smart business people do it. It’s a fantastic deal.”
“Are you sure you’re just not afraid to debate Sanders?” Colbert asked.
Pursing his lips and turning a more crimson shade of orange, Trump went on to treat the national audience to yet another of his trademark rants, declaring, “No, I am not afraid of a little old Jewish guy, believe me. One well-placed insult from me, and boom — ol’ Bernie would be down for the count.”
“I’d look at him and say, ‘Bernie, you’re fired,'” added Trump, with his trademark flick of his smallish hands. “Done. I win the debate — simple as that. Easy money.”
“But why not just go ahead and do the debate just to raise money for charity?” Colbert persisted.
“You want charity? I’ll give money to charity. I’m rich. Very rich, as my tax returns will show, when I choose to make them public, all in good time. Trust me. Nothing to see here. Boring.”
“But to do that debate, I’ll pull in a big audience — yuuuuge ratings. And for what? Charity for Bernie? I don’t don’t think so,” Trump said.
“I’ll save my energy for Hillary,” Trump added. “The only card she has is the woman’s card. And the beautiful thing is, women don’t like her.
“But they all love me, because they know under a Trump administration, things will get so much easier for all the little ladies — they’ll know their place. Easy. Trust me.”
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