‘I have no idea what that stuff is made of, but it sure as hell ain’t no human follicles,’ said the dying fly from Donald Trump’s hair.
NYC – In an exclusive interview published in today’s Insect Times, the fly that got stuck in Donald Trump’s hair reported that it has “no idea what that shit is made of, but it sure ain’t anything human!”
Speaking via Google’s new Universal Species Translator™, the dying fly, who said his name was Osric, revealed that it had landed on the candidate’s head “because it smelled so appetizing, just like baby doo-doo and about the same color and texture. I think it’s something he sprays on his fake hair to keep its threads in place.”
Osric said that as soon as he landed, Trump’s finely-spun goo “wrapped itself around me like a freaking spiderweb, like an anaconda, man, it was fucking terrifying! The more I struggled the more I couldn’t get free!
“And the fumes! Gaah! They made my multilensed corneas clog, man, it was horrible!’”
Among of the most terrifying aspects of the ordeal, the little fly sobbingly revealed, was discovering several Drosphila and Lepidoptera corpses mouldering in the hirsute Trumpian undergrowth.
“All of them were repulsively hairified,” the fly said. “Like fossilized, only grown over with that yellow stuff and stuck irremovably to his skull.”
“That was truly one of the most disgusting and nauseating experiences of my entire seven-day life,” the fly noted feelingly. “And I live on porcupine piss and camel’s vomit. Well, Trump’s hair is worse than that. A lot.”
Osric’s voice began to fade. Trump’s hairy toxicity, he gasped, had “finally done me in, and I survived the Ayatollah Khomeini’s beard. But that’s another story.”
The little green fly coughed again and the light began to fade from his beautiful, prismatic eyes.
“In the name of the Lord of the Flies,” Osric said, “don’t vote for that lunatic. Or like me you’ll never get him out of your hair.”