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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Trump to Extend Federal Protection to At-Risk Bully Students

Feb 242017
 By , February 24, 2017

Administration counters criticism by helping certain “at-risk” youth

To try and stem all the criticism of the Trump administration for removing federal protection for transgender students, Sean Spicer announced to the press that “President Trump is issuing federal protection for an ignored group of at-risk students — bullies.”

at-risk bully

An at-risk bully. Photo by Thomas Ricker, flickr.com.

He went on to complain that school psychologists and overprotective parents have changed normal, healthy interaction among kids by saturating the nation’s school with anti-bullying programs.

“Kids used to help prepare each other for the real world where you can’t whine to mommy or daddy when your boss gets on your case,” Spicer continued.

“Are you saying that the administration believes that bullying is a good thing?” called out a reporter incredulously shaking his head.

Spicer was quick to answer: “That’s not what President Trump is saying. As always, he is focusing on positive outcomes, the ends whatever the means. Kids learn their place in society, that there are top dogs, and the others need to figure out how to deal with that.”

Spicer went on to explain that all anti-bullying programs would be banned and all anti-bullying materials burned. “Bullies are strong, natural leaders. These programs are destroying our future leaders, future CEO’s, even our future presidents!” he said with a flourish.

When the reporters began to furrow their brows and murmur among themselves, an impatient Sean Spicer blustered: “Look, just think of it as The Apprentice, Jr.”

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.

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