[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Enough waiting, they say, inheritance time has arrived
The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are taking steps, as we speak, to ask God for an early release of their inheritance.
“Most of us are dead anyway at this point,” claims Elizabeth Moussey, spokesperson for the Muskegon, Michigan Meek Society. “I say that because it is a well-known fact that the Lord always calls the best ones home early to help him out in heaven,” she said with a sweet, kind voice.
Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed and just a general degradation of kindness and evildoing in all mankind, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.
“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs,” said Moussey, “but honestly we’ve been doing that for what seems eternity, and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere at all.”
Therefore, a mandate has been issued that all troublemakers, including many members of the GOP and the clergy — especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians — will be asked to exit the Earth by any means possible before the year 2013.
“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly trying to find a safe way to get off our property, but we do have to set limits now don’t we,” she said in the kindest way possible.
“While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. Euthanasia may be one way, rocket launchers into space may be another.”
“But if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience,” Moussey continued, “let me assure you, it just is not going to happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that now.”
“At any rate, we promise to do our best to make their transition as smooth as possible, regardless of how we are treated in the interim,” said Moussey.
The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.
Moussey ended by declaring that all Meeks apologize profusely for having to take this stand, but after being promised that there were better days ahead for so long, only to find that people are now literally acting like savages again, they just have no choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth a little earlier than expected.
“And oh,” she said, “take your money with you. After all, that’s basically what’s gotten you into trouble in the first place.”
*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
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