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Roz Warren

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

Jul 262017
 
 By , July 26, 2017
Bookmarks from Hell: A List of Unsavory, Alarming and Downright Nasty Things Librarians Have Recently Found in Library Books

Stuff you don’t usually find in library books, and definitely don’t want to.

A dead frog
A used band-aid
A squashed and leaking Ketchup packet
Bedbugs
A tampon
Toe nail clippings
Dozens of baby roaches
A slice of bacon
Boogers
A used Q-Tip
A used condom (and it was in a Bible!)
A grilled cheese sandwich
Dental Floss
Used Kleenex
Toilet Paper (and this happens ALL the time)
Pubic hair
An ad for lap dances (in a children’s book!)
Questionable food stains
A dirty diaper
Pornographic photos
A slice of bologna

Attention library patrons! The next time you’re tempted to mark your place in one of our books with insects, snacks, porn or anything that used to be part of your body? Please do us library workers a big favor and JUST DOG-EAR THE @#$% PAGE!

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider Looks At Library Life.)

Jan 112017
 
 By , January 11, 2017

I think of my car as my pocketbook on wheels, but I have a clean conscience about it. Have you ever noticed that when a friend offers you a ride and you get in their car, they usually say, “Sorry about the mess,” even if [more…]

Dec 202016
 
 By , December 20, 2016

Just how long should neighbors leave their Christmas lights up? One of my favorite Holiday Season pastimes is driving around admiring Christmas lights. In other words, wasting lots of fuel in order to enjoy the creative ways my neighbors have chosen to waste lots of [more…]

Jul 192016
 
 By , July 19, 2016

Wherein librarians tackle tasks that weren’t in their job descriptions at the library. We librarians are expected to check out your books and answer your reference questions, but we’re often called upon to perform other tasks. A Facebook pal recently asked her fellow librarians: “What [more…]

Jul 152016
 
Listen in: The Donald Woos VP Choices Just Prior to Announcing!

The Donald plays ‘Who Wants to be a Vice Presidential Candidate?’ By Janet Golden and Roz Warren Donald: Carly? It’s The Donald. I’m sounding out possible running mates. If I asked you to run with me, would you say yes? Carly Fiorina: Grateful for the [more…]

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