[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Foreign Ruler Tells America How to End Gun Violence

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

It’s not hard to end gun violence, says the Grand Duke of The Republic of Obnoxia.

Lord Sebastian Soapscumbe, Grand Duke of The Republic of Obnoxia, recently told the worldwide press that, “America is bad place. They do nothing but kill each other. They don’t know how to end gun violence. They have weak leaders, stupid government — they even screw up professional wrestling. Only good thing in America is Baseball, Yankees and Red Sox.”

end gun violence, US Capitol
The people who work at the US Capitol need to end gun violence. Photo by Martin Falbisoner, CC BY-SA 3.0.

Lord Soapscumbe and his consort, Lady Amelia Skunkpea, are in the States to attend the upcoming series between the Yankees and Red Sox and to eat clam chowder.

He continued, “We have no shootings in my country, no AR-15, no AK-47, no Glock, no Smith & Wesson, no RedRyder BB gun. Only my royal guard, army and police have guns, and they have to sign out bullets. We stop shooting long time ago.“

When pressed by the press, Lord Soapscumbe explained, “In America, lunatic shoot people in grocery store, at party, shoot little children in school, and politicians don’t care. In Obnoxia, lunatic shoot politicians, so all politician vote for gun control, ban big assault rifle, all guns.

“You get American lunatic to take his AR-15 to Congress and spray 1200 rounds, you have gun control tomorrow. All Americans, make signs: ‘STOP GUN VIOLENCE, SHOOT A POLITICIAN.'”

SNN Words To Live By

“Everything’s inky stinky.” — Lucy Ricardo, “I Love Lucy” TV show.

“The nice thing about sports as opposed to the real world is that everyone is equal at the starting line.” — Ray Gandorf, CBS Sports.

Ted Holland