Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Former White House guy Donald Trump says he should be elected as the nation’s “good dictator,” so he can fix all its woes.
As a prelude to his forthcoming 2024 presidential run announcement, Donald Trump stated, “One of the saddest things about modern-day America is the fact that democracy doesn’t work anymore. The ones that voted, whoever the hell they were, elected a consortium of idiots who couldn’t run water in a bathtub, let alone run a country. That’s why all of America has gone to shit.”
He continued, “Everything is out of control. Food prices and especially crime. What this country needs is one-man rule. What America needs is a good dictator!”
SNN political pundit Whattda Helle interrupted to ask Mr. Trump, “What are the first steps a dictator should take?”
Mr. Trump replied, “First would be to dissolve Congress… they’re useless. Let them get jobs at KFC. Second, nationalize law enforcement. Get rid of these milk toast District attorneys. Every crime will be a Federal Crime — a shop lifter will go to federal prison.”
“Third,“ he added, “bring back the military draft. Everybody wants to shoot these days. We’ll find you somebody to shoot at. Everybody from 18 to 52 will be countin’ caters at five AM in Fort Polk, Louisiana.
“Then close the border with a border wall and the 82nd Airborne.”
When asked who would be the perfect dictator, Mr. Trump replied, “Guess who…?”
SNN Breaking News
From SNN television correspondent Vaste Wasteland:
January 6 committee broadcasts receive Emmy nomination for best daytime cartoon and are favored to win.
Other nominees in the category include:
- The Hulk Hogan Goodtime Hour Reruns.
- The Heckle and Jeckle reboot.
- Josie and the Pussycats 2022.
- The View.
- The White House Daily Press Conference.
SNN Words To Live By
“Dyin’ ain’t much of a livin'” — Josey Wales (Clint Eastwood) The Outlaw Josey Wales movie
“What this country needs is a businessman for president.” — Gatewood (Berton Churchill) Stagecoach 1939 film
“It’s been too hard living but I’m afraid to die.” — Sam Cooke, A Change Is Gonna Come, 1964 song
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