My drinking buddy, God, and I were walking through a low-rent district in Brooklyn when he introduced me to Mary Magdalene.
God and I happened to be walking through a low-rent district in Brooklyn when a gaudily-dressed woman with very long eyelashes and brightly painted lips approached us, and my companion (whom I did not take to be a hugger) gave her a hug. “Nice to see you, Maggie!” he exclaimed.
“Nice to see you too, Mr. God!” she also exclaimed.
God now turned to me and said the woman in question was none other than Mary Magdalene. “She was a prostitute in the old days, and she’s still a prostitute…although folks call her a sex worker today.”
“And tomorrow I bet they’ll call me a sex workeress,” Maggie said.
I told her I was collecting information about God and his earlier existence, and then I mentioned Jesus. “I heard you might have been the first person to see him resurrected,” I said.
“The damn Bible changed the language,” Maggie declared. “I never saw Jesus resurrected, but I was the first person to see him with an erection. When I was holding his knick-knack [penis], I saw he had in fact ‘risen.’”
“This was done at my suggestion,” God interjected. “I wanted my son to be a normal guy, so I asked Maggie to try and take his virginity.”
“And did you in fact take his son’s virginity?” I asked her. She looked at my companion, who said, “Go ahead, tell him.” Whereupon she told me she never really had sex with him, but she did wank him a few times.
At this point, a man who was obviously a person of means walked past us, and Maggie headed after him, shouting, “Are you up for a roll in the hay, Prince Charming?”
A few moments later, another sex worker approached us. This one was a male. God immediately handed the fellow a few bills, and the fellow blew him a kiss and walked off.
“I still feel guilty about destroying Sodom and Gomorrah,” my companion explained. “For whatever the reason, I thought sodomy was a vile practise. These days I feel totally different. I wouldn’t even object to a person having sex with a horse…as long as it’s done with the horse’s permission.”
Maggie came back to us sans Prince Charming. “Well, you win some, and you lose some,” she observed.
My companion gave her a few bills, too. For (as he told me) he also felt guilty about punishing folks who went a bit overboard in pursuing their sexual needs. Or individuals like Maggie who in fact helped those folks go overboard in pursuit of their needs. In fact, he felt responsible for their behavior. since (as he also told me) “I’m the one who created tits and ass.”
“I think he is even more of an Almighty now than he was in the old days,” Maggie told me. I couldn’t help but agree with her.
Part of a series detailing Lawrence Millman’s experiences with his drinking buddy, God. Soon to be gathered together, assuming a publisher is interested, as a mini-memoir entitled “Drinks With God.”
- Good Prez! - January 31, 2024
- Odin, Iceland and the American Way - January 17, 2024
- Mother of God - February 7, 2023
