[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sexologist Explains Modern Sexuality

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

An internationally known sexologist explains the ins and outs of modern sexuality.

Dr. Oscar Cahonnes, sexologist and chairman of the Pseudopsychosociopathicsexual Department of the University of Vagina at Peenysse, states that “Modern sexuality, like many other issues in the modern world, has been overthunked.”

sexologist, sexual orientationDr. Cahonnes says, “Once upon a time when it came to sex you only had to figure out if you wanted to sleep with a boy or a girl… now children as young as four or five years old are being confounded with issues as Gender Indoctrination and Binary Elucidation… sex is very simple… it is defined by who or what you want to have sex with.”

To help people flow through the complexities of a modern sex life and what to call themselves, the good doctor has compiled the following list of current types of sex:

  • Egosexual: sex with yourself
  • Trumpsexual: sex with a Republican
  • Pelosisexual: sex with a Democrat
  • Berniesexual: sex with a socialist
  • Abcsexual: sex with the alphabet
  • Rokusexual: sex with a smart TV
  • Tmobilesexual: sex with a smart phone
  • Pansexual: sex with a cast iron skillet
  • Musksexual: sex in a Tesla
  • Lunarsexual: sex on the moon
  • Polecatsexual: sex with a skunk
  • Meowsexual: sex with a cat
  • Bowwowsexual: sex with a dog
  • Jacklinksexual: sex with Sasquatch
  • Metrosexual: sex on the subway
  • Limosexual: sex in an expensive ride
  • Ubersexual: sex in a cheap ride
  • Bibliosexual: sex with the Bible
  • Bozosexual: sex with a clown
  • GeorgeCostanzasexual: sex with an idiot
  • Nascarsexual: sex in a race car
  • Citationsexual: sex on a race horse
  • Bradysexual: sex with a football
  • Lebronsexual: sex with a basketball
  • Beckhamsexual: sex with a soccerball
  • Pinotsexual: sex with a bottle of wine
  • Amtracsexual: sex on a passenger train
  • Norfolk and Southernsexual: sex on a freight train
  • Spudsexual: sex with a potato
  • JohnDeeresexual: sex on a tractor
  • Slurpeesexual: sex in a 7-11
  • Harlemsexual: sex with fried chicken and waffles
  • JimBeamsexual: sex while drunk on bourbon
  • Bicardisexual: sex while drunk on rum
  • WhiteLightninsexual: sex while drunk on moonshine
  • Fendersexual: sex with an electric guitar
  • Martinsexual: sex with an acoustic guitar
  • Calamarisexual: sex with an octopus
  • Stienwaysexual: sex while playing a baby grand piano
  • Ihopsexual: sex with pancakes
  • Gunsmokesexual: sex with Festus Hagen
  • HumorTimessexual: sex while belly-laughing

SNN words to live by

“To be the man, you gotta beat the man.” — Pro wrestler Ric Flair

“Pound for pound, I’m the meanest thing that ever lived.” — Pro Wrestler Dirty Dick Slater

“It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor as long as you have money.” — Sha Na Na TV show

Ted Holland