[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Catwoman Debunks Litter Box Myth

Catwoman dispels Republican-fed “litter box” rumors, as the GOP attempts to spread outrage to scare voters.

Many Republican candidates in this year’s elections are capitalizing on “litter box” rumors. This viral myth states that some schools are placing litter boxes on their campuses to accommodate the “needs” of Furries. “Furries” are humans who identify as furry animals (it’s a real thing). And these Republicans are litter-ally outraged.

litter box, Catwoman
Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Returns (1992).

In Tennessee, two Republican lawmakers discussed the “growing crisis” of public schools providing litter boxes for children who identify as cats and claimed it’s happening across the state. And they don’t like it. They don’t like it one little bit.

Another upset politician is Minnesota gubernatorial hopeful, Scott Jensen. Jensen asked at a September campaign stop, “why do we have litter boxes in school districts so kids can pee in them because they identify as Furry?”

Many people wonder why students and even some adults see themselves as feline and would prefer to use a litter bin. To explain what is going on, I asked Batman’s nemesis, Catwoman if she could throw some light on the phenomenon.

She explained the situation by meowing that “cats have a great life. All they do is eat, sleep, and use that litter box which is an important part of the cat culture. You know cats love boxes. Although the DNA of house cats is 95.6% the same as the ferocious tiger, most mousers just lay around all day while their human servants give them food and water, and scoop what they leave behind. And having nine lives is a nice perk even though felines don’t accomplish anything in any of their nine lives. But it’s nine purr-fect lives, except for that neutering thing and the hairballs. So, it’s not surprising that some people want to participate in a furry lifestyle which includes the litter box.”

Catwoman went on to say that many Republicans are hiss-terical about where Furries want to excrete. They seem to believe that Furries should use a toilet, pointing out that Jack Burnes’ cat, Mr. Jinx, in Meet the Parents, learned how to use one. But there was no evidence that Mr. Jinx actually used the toilet or could flush.

She continued by saying that “some Furries identify as male dogs and many conservatives fear that they will, no doubt, want fire hydrants installed in school restrooms and insist that they be walked periodically so they can do their business on the school lawn. And that is disgusting.”

Catwoman also brought up the theory that having smelly litter in the bathrooms may be a plot to get school kids to keep wearing masks.

Batman’s foe then surprised me by concluding that “while there really are people who identify as felines, like herself, Republicans should probably stick to talking about inflation and crime because, unfortunately for the Furries, no school in the country has actually put a litter bin in any of their restrooms. And they never will. It’s an urban myth. As a writer for the New York Post wrote of the rumor, “It’s a load of kitty litter.”

JC Wade
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