[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘The Feds Can’t Indict Me’ Declares Trump

“The Feds can’t indict me” professes Donald Trump, and lackey Kash Patel declares, “they can’t touch him.”

Riding a red wave, Donald John Trump announced that he is running for president in 2024 and therefore, the Feds can’t indict him.

indict Trump, Bolsonaro
Trump with favorite dictator Bolsonaro at Mar-a-Lago in happier times as prez. Photo by Palácio do Planalto, flickr.com.

But this front-page news paled in comparison to other comments the 45th president made at his Mar-a-Lago press conference.

For context, Trump is a former reality TV star and New York City real estate developer. So, he knows how to get people to listen to him. And he did this masterfully at his presser.

For example, Trump got more banner headlines because he was flanked by members of the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers. Members of those controversial groups held up a “Get Out of Jail Free” banner as Trump spoke.

And the twice-impeached former president wasted no time explaining the banner. He said, “Before I left the White House in 2021, I mandated that the Department of Justice can’t indict Americans who are running for president. Kash Patel was with me when I imposed the permanent rule change.”

Patel confirmed Trump’s assertion as reelected Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis listened.

A smiling Patel asserted: “The feds can’t touch him.”

Chimed in MAGA and Fox News star DeSantis: “Just let them touch an orange lock of Trump’s hair. We won’t tolerate federal aggression in the Free State of Florida.”

In unison, members of the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers stepped forward to show off their “Second Amendment Remedy” sign.

They also chanted, “Defense, Defense!” as if they were at a sporting event.

An Oath Keepers spokesman added, “We won’t start anything. Got it?”

Unfortunately, nasty, corporate, regime journalists started asking questions. But DeSantis, possibly auditioning for Attorney General in a Trump Administration, shut them down.

“The Second Amendment trumps the First Amendment,” he said, referring reporters to a statement on the Federalist Society website.

Steve Schneider