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January 6 Committee Issues New Batch of Subpoenas

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

New information about people allegedly in communication with Trump during the riot results in latest batch of subpoenas.

In order to track Donald Trump’s every movement during the Capitol riot, the January 6 Committee has issued subpoenas for Jesus Christ, the Tasmanian Devil, Jack Daniels, Colonel Sanders, John Cena, Chubby Checker, Andrea Carroll, Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite, Sheriff Clay Hollister, Stormy Daniels and a bookie named Fats.

subpoenas for Tasmanian Devil
Tasmanian Devil subpoenaed. Photo by Willis Lim, CC BY-SA.

Having already deposed Donald Trump’s office staff and legal advisors, his toilet, several of his trash cans and a White House rat named Larry, the January 6 Committee has unleashed a new round of subpoenas in an effort to determine the former president’s every action, minute by minute, during the insurrection.

Many of the subpoenas were issued because of information from an unnamed person who claimed to be with Trump during the riot.

A subpoena was issued for Jesus Christ because Trump reportedly partied and uttered “Jesus Christ” during the riot.

He was at one point on the phone with Jack Daniels ordering a special blend of “Winner’s Brew“ Bourbon and complaining to Colonel Sanders about a bad batch of KFC he had recently received.

At one point he was watching Looney Toons and remarking that he would like to replace the Secret Service with the Tasmanian devil.

He was overheard calling Stormy Daniels for a date and singing “Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer“ with Chubby Checker on speaker phone, and he screamed at the TV warning Sheriff Clay Hollister of Tombstone Territory that there was a bushwacker on the jailhouse roof.

Mr. Trump reportedly got very angry at a Secret Service agent who could not locate 1960’s singer Andrea Carroll, because Mr. Trump Could not remember the words to her hit song, “It Hurts To Be 16.”

He reportedly called John Cena to see if Cena would be his tag team partner in a wrestling match against Nancy Pelosi and Chris Jericho.

Mr. Trump supposedly called SNN witch doctoress Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite and ordered 2000 pounds of Gooba Dust to sprinkle over congress. He also called a bookie named Fats to see what the odds were that the mob would hang Mike Pence.

There were reports that Mr. Trump could be heard singing “I Fought The Law“ and asking if anyone had Fats Domino’s phone number.

Ted Holland