[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Revealed: Promises Kevin McCarthy Had to Make to Get Votes

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN correspondent uncovers embarrassing promises Kevin McCarthy had to make to get votes as the new Speaker of the House.

According to SNN Congressional correspondent Bethany Bathbong, newly elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy is the living epitome of the old Three Stooges quip, “If at first you don’t succeed, keep on suckin’ till you do succeed.”

 promises Kevin McCarthy had to make
Embarrassing: promises Kevin McCarthy had to make. Photo: Public Domain.

There has been much speculation about the promises Kevin McCarthy had to make to get his new position, but it turns out some went well beyond the realm of politics.

According to Ms. Bathbong, some of the promised favors issued by Speaker McCarthy include:

  • Be Donald Trump’s golf caddy.
  • Goose Joe Biden.
  • Make Majorie Taylor Greene’s bullets.
  • Take Laura Ingraham and Harris Faulkner to Disney World.
  • Open an Idiots R US store in the Capitol Building.
  • Mow Scott Perry’s lawn and wash his car.
  • Drive Matt Gaetz’s kids to karate lessons.
  • Braid Lauren Boebert’s hair and paint her toenails.
  • Make January 6 a national holiday: National Riot Day.
  • State that any House Member could hit him in the face with a Boston Cream Pie whenever they felt like it.
  • Co-host The View in drag.

SNN Words to Live By

“A man who’s never afraid is a fool.” — Marshall Matt Dillon (James Arness), Gunsmoke TV show.

“I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.” — Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff (Groucho Marx), Horsefeathers, 1932 film.

“The secret of a long life is to try not to shorten it.” — Nobody (Terrence Hill), My Name Is Nobody, 1970 film.

Ted Holland