[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Banking Crisis Solution Suggested by Bank of Slobovia

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The banking crisis calls raises lots of questions, and the Bank of Slobovia has answers. And products to sell you.

Dr. Grabba Sawbuck, head of the Bank of Slobovia, says that there is a very simple solution to the current raft of bank failures and the universal uneasiness that many banking customers are feeling, all caused by the recent banking crisis.

banking crisis, coffee can full of cash
Banking crisis: a simple solution. (Original Tillman Coffee can image by Roadsidepictures, flickr.com, modified.)

Dr. Sawbuck recently stated, “The solution to the banking stress that many customers feel is in history. Centuries ago people did not trust banks, so they stuffed their money into coffee cans and buried them in their backyards, safe and sound. That is what all banking customers should do today. Draw your money out of the bank and “coffee can” it. We here at the Bank of Slobovia can provide the public with all that you need to do this.”

Dr. Sawbuck then unveiled a catalog of backyard banking items for sale, including:

  • A set of 12 RattsesPee Coffee cans: $25.00
  • A set of 12 RattesPee Coffee cans with silent alarms: $50.00
  • A set of 12 RattesPee Coffee cans with alarms a GPS: $100.00
  • Backyard security system with lights and alarms: $3000.00
  • SKC (Slobovian Kennel Club) registered Slobovian Bulldog Guard dog: $4500.00
  • Slobovian Secret Service security guard: $1200.00 a day
  • Slobovian Air Force Helicopter and pilot: $15,000.00 a day
  • Slobovian Security backyard Nuclear Device: $2,000,000.00
  • In case you do not have a backyard, the Bank of Slobovia can sell you one. Digital Backyard: $79.50
  • Real Back Yard: $25.000.00 per acre

To order any of these products and services, go to BOOMSKISUCKA.COM

Dr. Sawbuck stated, “It is better to be safe than to be schittski.”

SNN Words to Live By

“War and strife between opposites is the eternal condition of the universe.” — Philosopher Heraclitus, way back in the B.C. and the B.F.F. (before Fred Flintstone).

“Guilty feet have got no rhythm.” — Wham, Careless Whisper 80’s song.

“If you lose the kid in you, you’ve lost everything.” — MLB manager Casey Stengel.

“Why dontcha come up and see me sometime… come up Tuesday… that’s amateur night.” — Actress Mae West.

Ted Holland