Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Stormy Daniels drama, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

News: Melania still angry over the Stormy Daniels drama.

Melania Trump remains ‘angry’ at Donald over Stormy Daniels drama

I really don’t care, do u?

Gwyneth Paltrow ski collision trial enters fourth day

Which is how long it felt sitting through ‘Shallow Hal.’

People express worry about AI

While, I’m still troubled by NS – Natural Stupidity.

Biden Tik Tok, Oil moves test the loyalty of younger voters

Which is just about everybody …

Americans now favor legal cannabis over legal tobacco

… although most of those people now forget which they favored.

22,000 people to the street for the L.A. Marathon

And, all this time, I thought the L.A. Marathon was sitting through Avatar 2.

Gisele Bündchen may have found a new man after Tom Brady split, and he’s a billionaire

Never thought Pete Davidson made that kinda money.

Sinema trashes Dems: ‘Old dudes eating Jell-O’

Chuck Grassley: They get Jell-O?

Mountain lion claws man’s head while he relaxes in hot tub

That’ll teach the guy for bugging a mountain lion while the lion’s in a hot tub.

Netflix nabs six Oscar wins, including ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’

Tucker Carlson will be presenting his version of all ‘Quiet on the Western Front’ questioning how violent could it be? It has the word ‘Quiet’ in the title.

Xi snubbed Putin after their suit

Oh, Crimea River!

Darcelle, world’s oldest working drag queen, dies at 92

In lieu of flowers, please send feather boas.

Blockbuster website back up

Finally, I can find out how to return the VHS version of ‘Goonies.’

Florida Republican’s bill would ban young girls from discussing their periods in school

… you miss enough periods and next thing you know Lamaze class …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)