Desperately Seeking a Party, Aargh!

No, not that kind of a party. But alternates never garner many votes. How about a Pirate Party?

It looks like the Democrats are going to nominate President Biden again while the Republicans can’t shake off former President Donald Trump. However, most Americans (including me) find the prospect of a Biden/Trump rematch very unappealing.

pirate party
Still from “The Lost Pirate Kingdom” (2021).

With that in mind, No Labels, an American political organization is planning to put together a bipartisan Unity ticket candidate for president if the two major parties select candidates like Biden and Trump.

Of course, we already have other political parties to choose from like the Libertarian and Green Parties, but they never garner many votes. Then there is the very dangerous Prohibition party that received a disturbing 4,834 votes or .00003124% of the total in 2020. That’s not many but it’s still a little too close for comfort.

Voters could also turn to the OWL Party which advocates Out With Logic / On With Lunacy. Although that sounds a lot like today’s Republican party.

But shiver me timbers, there are over thirty countries that have PIRATE PARTIES. Surprisingly Somalia isn’t one of them. Some have actually done quite well in national elections. The original Pirate Party in Sweden won 7.1% of the vote in 2009 while in the 2013 parliamentary election in Iceland the party received 5.1% of the vote. And praise the Lord, there is an American Pirate Party which has been in existence since 2006.

The party hasn’t yet announced its presidential nominee for 2024 yet, but my hope is that it will be Johnny Depp a.k.a Captain Jack Sparrow, whose swashbuckling ways will no doubt allow him to even capture the landlubber vote. After all, what scallywag or modern-day corsair wouldn’t vote for him?

September 19th is talk like a Pirate Day but with a Pirate victory at the polls, we can talk like pirates every day. Aye, How Fun!

A pirate president could easily solve the national debt problem with all of the buried treasure and massive porch pirate revenue. And dealing with adversaries like Russia and Iran would be easy as no country would want to mess with a country ruled by pirates.

The political rallies would be awesome as rally goers would probably be wearing cool hats and eye patches as they drink free Captain Morgan rum while watching 4834 prohibitionists walk the plank.

Hold on! I just googled the Pirate Party. There is no mention of gang planks or buried treasure. This party advocates for the reform of copywrite laws and the removal of patents, ZZZZZZZ. Blimey if that’s the case I want no part of them. I’m abandoning ship.

Oh, what the hoot. I’ll just support the OWL party.

JC Wade
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